Happy Memorial Day!

I hope everyone has enjoyed the long three day weekend...I know I loved having the extra day off.

Friday was a "Foob Filling Friday" with the plastic surgeon... (foob = fake boob). Not much pain again this time just some shooting pains every once in while..I am up to 300cc's but in clothes it sure doesn't look like much so I am still adding my "water filled push up things". On Friday afternoon I met with my Gyno to talk about ovaries, hysterectomies, etc. She took lots of time with me to discuss my options but I am not really sure what to do. Right now I am in what is called "chemical menopause" meaning we have shut down my ovaries with the lupron injections. In my case the ovaries are bad little critters because they produce estrogen which feeds my type of cancer. Even though they are shut down there is still a chance that they can be producing estrogen but there is really no way to test for that. It really comes down to taking out the ovaries only which is a pretty easy surgery to recover from..but that leaves the uterus which really will not have a purpose and may cause trouble down the road so why not do a total hysterectomy and get rid of all those parts I don't really need...longer recovery...harder surgery...kind of like using too much ammunition in a battle. She said it is ultimately up to me and of course the insurance company but there is no rush to make a decision. I asked her if it could be done at the same time as my foob exchange surgery and she said she thought that would be fine....gonna have to do some more thinking and research on this subject.

On Saturday morning I took Tyler to get a haircut and I decided a trim might be a good idea for my crazy hair. The stylist that I had was so sweet. She trimmed up the back, the wacky sideburns and got rid of the few long stragglers sticking out here and there. The hair in the back all of a sudden has a bunch of wave in it and she said she can tell that it will come in curly. Once she was finished I even had the nerve to come home without my hat on....I still don't like the way I look but I think in a few weeks I will be able to go "uncovered" all the time....just want it to fill in a little better in a few more places.

Once Jillian was done with swim lessons we went over to Crawfordsville for the weekend. We went to Lindsay Calvert's Open House that evening and it was a great time to see so many of our friends that we have not seen in a long time. Cheryl and Bob did an awesome job on putting the party together for Lindsay!! I was very lucky to make so many wonderful friends in the eleven years that I lived in Crawfordsville. I treasure all the wonderful memories I have from that period in my life and truly value the special friends that we still keep in touch with all these years later!

We stayed way too late with Bob, Cheryl, Tom and Patty on Saturday so I didn't do much early in the day on Sunday. I did run to Goody's in the morning for my "Goody's fix"....can someone tell me why we don't have this store in Ohio??? I loved it in Georgia and now I only get to shop there when we go to Crawfordsville!!?? In the afternoon we went down to Lake Holiday to visit with Nancy...it was a beautiful afternoon and Jillian tried fishing for the first time...that lasted about four minutes and then she decided to play with the bucket of minnows that Nancy had bought and throw them back into the lake. Tyler and Bret stayed down at the lake to eat fried mushrooms that Steve found in the woods (yuck- that is one habit I did not acquire in my eleven years there) and Jillian and I went to see Annie and her kids...she was in town visiting with her family so the timing was perfect. We had a great cook-out that evening and then she and I took the girls to Darilicious/Turtle Park for ice cream. We came back to her parent's house after that and just had time to talk and let the girls play in the yard...it was a wonderful evening.

This morning we packed up the van and headed for home. Before leaving town we stopped by the nursing home for a visit with Grandma Holt and then we stopped to visit Bret's Great Uncle Mac and Aunt Claudine...Bret decided we should hit Darilicious on the way out of town so of course, I had more ice cream!! Yum!

I need to start packing for Vegas...I will fly out on Wednesday morning and return on Sunday. I will be attending Lightfair which is the big lighting show that is held once a year. Once it shuts down on Friday afternoon I will have time to myself until Sunday morning...let's hope I hit it big on the slots!!

It's time for Graduation!!

Jillian had her big Pre-K graduation last night. She has been so excited about this for weeks...I think she was more excited about this than Christmas. Last weekend she told me she wanted cards and money for her graduation gift....

The school had each class do graduation separately which was so nice to have it focused on a small group. They performed several songs that highlighted the different things they learned throughout the year. They even had "real" graduation" hats for them to wear. Jillian loved every minute of it! She was in the front row and you could hear her singing louder than anyone else with that big grin on her face. They had a little reception afterwards and then she wanted us to go out to dinner to "celebrate". Wow, I can only imagine what she will expect for high school graduation!! Hopefully I will get Bret to post some pics soon.

We have more graduations to celebrate over the next month. We will celebrate with Lindsay Calvert this weekend. Our neighbor and one of Jillian's favorite babysitters, Jessie Fears, graduated from Kings as their Salutatorian...Yeah Jess! Next month we will be in Vermilion to celebrate with my nephew Eric...it's a fun time of year!
Tyler is counting down his last 3 days of school and looking forward to summer. Right now he has a mowing job one day a week and a babysitting job one afternoon a week so he is happy to be earning some money to buy more x-box games....

I had another Herceptin treatment yesterday. Things were a mess at their office....I like to go on Wednesdays because there is usually very few patients there. Yesterday we were packed in like sardines....they didn't even have enough "comfy" chairs for all of us. I was really looking forward to a nice long nap but that was not meant to be....some of the patients wanted to talk all about their cancer and their treatments....the poor old guy next to me can't hear so any time the nurse needed to tell him something she had to yell...then his daughter would come in every fifteen minutes and ask him if he wanted a sandwich. At one point things did quiet down but then he decided to eat a granola bar and the old lady on the other side of me asked for a bag of chips so the "crunchfest" began!!! (not sure why but treatment centers always have lots of snacks and drinks available to their patients for free...) I never did get to nap so I went back to work in a benadryl haze but made it through the day. Right before treatment they noticed that I had a slight fever but I felt fine except for just being tired. In the middle of the night last night I started having some pretty nasty stomach issues...not sure if it has to do with treatment or just a bug but I am staying close to home today.

I have still been very tired...maybe the tamoxifen is making it worse but I can just barely make it through the work day and I come home and want to go straight to bed....it is really starting to frustrate me. I have not been exercising at all and I know that probably doesn't help..I have noticed that I am losing some mobility in my left shoulder so I am trying to take a few minutes a couple times a day to stretch that area. The surgeon had warned me about this and I think I didn't have any problems until I stopped walking and it started to tighten up.....I just feel very old!!!

A lucky Saturday night!

Bret and I hit it big Saturday night...just kidding, I think we won about $60. We had a Euchre/Farkle tournament up at the clubhouse. Bret won the Euchre tournament and I won the Farkle tournament. It was a fun night. I just hope that winning streak keeps going when I go to Vegas at the end of the month...I am going for work but have planned to extend my trip for a few days to have some "gambling time". You all know how much I love slot machines!!

Friday night Beth, Kathleen and I went out for pedicures and drinks...we were celebrating Beth's upcoming b-day. We all have pretty toes these days...well, I have nine pretty toes and one little stubby 1/2 toenail on the big toe....

On Friday morning I had my 2nd fill. We did 100 cc's this time and I honestly think I had less muscle soreness this time compared to the 50 cc's the week before. I am planning to go back for another 100 cc's this Friday. I found out that Dr. K. is pregnant...this is her first baby. Out of all my docs she has been the most difficult to get to know....I don't think she liked Bret's boob jokes so now that he isn't at my appts. she seems a little more open!!

I am feeling more like myself these past few days...I think part of the the big "emotional" issues may have been related to the Tamoxifen I started the week before...it really messes with the hormones....

Mom and Dad were here for a quick visit, we always enjoy having them here!

Happy Birthday this week to Reese Smith (Monday) and Beth Galberg (Tuesday). You guys are AWESOME friends and neighbors...you and your families have been so supportive these last several months with meals, helping out with Jillian or just anything we needed - thanks so much - we love you!!

Have a good week!

Overwhelmed.....

Well, I am in complete meltdown mode tonight and not really sure why. I know you are all probably thinking "Jillian" but she was perfect tonight....even laid with me in bed and rubbed my head while I tried to hide my tears from her.

I have cried more tonight than I have in so many months. All the girls in my online group would talk about crying almost every day because they were scared, tired, mad, sad, etc. and I kind of thought it was odd that I wasn't crying...heck, I used to cry during Hallmark commercials and now I have cancer but I don't cry about it...was I putting on a fake smile and just holding it all in...how are you supposed to figure that one out???

It all started with some emails I did tonight for work and one of them just pushed me over the edge. Going back to work has just been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I get so tired and try to run home at lunch and lay down for just a few minutes. Things really were in "ok" shape when I returned to work but I am really struggling with the "stress" of work and I don't know why now is any different. It's still lighting... I've done it for over 22 years...I don't have any big projects closing in on deadlines but since I went back there last week I just instantly felt completely stressed out. I wanted to walk in there and have everyone be amazed at how happy and perky and healthy I looked...the last 8 months I have always wanted to look like I was just fine. Part of working in an office is dealing with all personality types and I know I completely put myself out there and that's why I get my feelings hurt but there are just some people that can just make me insane.

So why am I still crying hours later...the sleeping pill isn't even working tonight. In a way I think I saw this coming this week. I have felt bad each day and I am just pissed that I cannot get my energy back.....add in a few bad situations with work and it seemed to cause the "perfect storm" for me tonight. Am I being more sensitive to work situations because of "my health" or my "mental state"??? If I am that just pisses me off even more.....I AM OVER IT AND I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK......THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE SOME GUY LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID THE WORD CANCER!!!

Sunday update...

Happy Mother's Day! I hope all you Mom's had a super day today full of pampering and love - you deserve it. Even though we had a chance to talk today I will say Happy Mother's Day again to my Mom..love you and can't wait to see you this week when you visit. Love you!!

Happy Birthday to my sister, Vicki. I hope you had a great day!!

I had my first fill on Friday. It's a good thing that needles don't bother me because she uses a needle that must be at least 4 inches long that is attached to a huge syringe full of saline. She said some people complain of pain during the injection but I was lucky and barely even felt it. She only gave me 50cc's. I told her that I would like to try to go faster and she agreed that we could do 100cc's next week but if I am in a lot of pain she will want to slow back down. I took some Tylenol in the afternoon but it really was not very painful..I think I will do fine with 100. It was amazing to see that even 50 cc's could make a difference. I didn't really look until late Friday but I was so excited to see that I could tell the difference....new motto - FILL 'ER UP!!

Last week I went to a Kindervelt fundraiser...this is an auxiliary group that raises funds for the Cincinnati Children's Hospital. Not long after I arrived one of the members named Pat came up and introduced herself. I had on a hat so she immediately starting asking me if I was going thru treatment for cancer...she then went on to tell me that she was going to have a mastectomy on Friday. My heart just broke for her...I just hugged her and told her that I understood and that I was sorry she was having to go thru this. She was just diagnosed in April so she will find out this week what her treatment plan will be. She was being very strong and has a great attitude. I asked if I could make a meal for her and her husband after surgery but I guess her friends already have a plan worked out for the next few weeks. She asked a lot of questions about my surgery and I told her things that worked well for me and suggestions on things I wish I would have done differently..we didn't talk much about chemo since hopefully she will not need to do it. We exchanged emails before I left and all the ladies there kept saying it was just "meant to be" that I was there for Pat. That night I tried think what would be the best thing that I could do to help her...I kept thinking back to when I was first diagnosed and I had some crazy "fear of people with cancer" and didn't want to actually talk to someone else that had been thru this. Late that night I emailed her and told her that I will support her in any way that she wants..we only live a few minutes from each other so I told her that any time she needs me I can be there for her. The main idea of my message to her was we each have to decide how we want to make this journey...we cannot do what other people tell us to do or to do what we think they want us to do. This is the time in our lives when we must do what feels right in our hearts and trust that God will guide us. I told her that there were a lot of days that I wanted to just pull the blanket over my head and pretend that this wasn't happening but that I knew that wouldn't do any good...you just have to get up and take it one day at a time. When we met that evening I was also telling her about all the great support we have received and that it is good to let your friends and family help...this is the time that you need it.

I have not heard how her surgery went...I should be able to email a friend of hers at work tomorrow to get an update. I have been saying lots of prayers for her because I know how overwhelming this time can be but I really think she will do well and I am hoping that I will be able to help her in some small way.

Not much else to write about...yesterday was a busy day. Jillian had dance pictures at 8:30 and then we rushed to the Y for swim lessons. After that she and I went out for a nice lunch together. In the afternoon we all went over to Sam and James' house for a mexican themed party on their deck....the food was awesome and we met lots of new people. I left to go play Bunco and then after Bunco a few of us girls went back over to Sam and James' to hang out a little longer....it was a fun evening!

Have a good week.

Long days...

Going back to work has gone ok...I am much more tired than I thought I would be but I am sure it will get better each week. Everyone at work was so nice, they made a big banner for my office to welcome me back and had lots of nice cards wating for me! Things have been pretty hectic...I had a large project come in for me on Friday that has stumped me for three days and also on Friday the one and only engineer that I rely on for support on this product line resigned...I hate to see him go but I do wish him the best.

It looks like I will be performing at Jillian's dance recital in June...I am not very happy about it. I noticed on the bulletin board at the dance school that they were looking for Mom's and Dad's to perform....I had no interest and kind of just ignored it...if I wanted dance lessons I would sign up them!! Anyway, on Monday night Jillian came home and started begging me to participate and talking about how much she would love to see me on the stage with the other moms. I guess she guilted me into it because I went for the first rehearsal last night. There were 8 of us moms that were willing to be subjected to this public humiliation. Once everyone was there the instructor told us that she had chosen a Shania Twain song....yep, you guessed it....I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!!! Of course, the only thing that I could think is that I have never felt like less of a woman with no boobs, non functioning ovaries and a butch hairdo. I honestly thought I would bust out crying or vomit right there...I could tell that she was kind of looking at me as she went on to explain that during the dance we would all be wearing baseball caps and at one point we would take them off, throw them behind us and shake out our hair. Well, isn't that just a great idea...I just put on my big, fake smile and tried to make a joke...I looked in the mirror and my face was beet red...could this get any worse???? During the evening we learned about half of the steps...I kept asking "when do we start the repetition part of the dance?" I guess she forgot that we are not dancers. All I can say is that Jillian really better appreciate this some day...let's just hope for more hair by the end of June so I don't look like a total freak!

Jillian was very excited when I came home and wanted to hear the song and see the moves...I told her that it will be a surprise. Not long after that she got into one of her "moods" and everything around her made her unhappy and mean....she went into one of her fits that continued on for about 90 minutes. I was so worn out at that point that I tried to ignore it....Tyler was trying to complete a homework project and Bret blew his top....it was a long night...I really don't cry much but that evening certainly deserved the tears- HELLO SUPERNANNY!!!...ARE YOU OUT THERE???..WE NEED YOU!!!

Back to work...

Well, it's time to head back to work tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing all my friends there...they have all been very supportive during all of this. I am just very thankful that I have had this time to heal mentally and physically...

My last few days have been pretty hectic..on Thursday night Jayne and George had Bret and I over for a great dinner. It was a beautiful evening and we were able to eat out on their deck...it was a wonderful chance to get to know them better - good food and good fellowship - who can ask for more!!

On Friday I visited the social security office to replace mine and Jillian's cards...not sure what happened to them. I kept putting this off because I thought I would sit and wait forever...I was pleastantly surprised to be in and out in less than 15 minutes! Friday night Heather and the girls came over to eat dinner with us. Besides feeding us a great meal on Thursday, Jayne also sent us home with a wonderful casserole so we decided to share it with them...plus it's another great excuse to get to cuddle with baby Addie!

This weekend Jillian had 3 birthday parties to attend. One at Build a Bear, one at Mathew's house and one at Kid's First Sports Center...I swear that kid needs a social assistant!!! After her third one today we all went over to Tom and Penny's to celebrate Tom's 40th...it was a busy weekend but it was fun.

My hair coloring went just fine this morning...the color turned out a nice brown color which is still really odd to see but it is so much better than looking at all that gray. Bret helped me with the coloring and even gave me a quick hair cut in the back....I just had lots of peach fuzz on my neck and I wanted it evened out...he has become quite the beautician thru all of this!!!

Hair envy...

Yep! I officially have hair envy...some women like me have "boob envy" but tonight it became clear that I have "hair envy". Tyler and I went to Borders tonight and instead of looking at books I looked thru almost every hair magazine that they had....they must have at least 15! I decided that I am REALLY tired of not having much hair and ready to go without wigs or scarves or hats but I am way too vain to go out with it this short. I guess it is still coming in ok because just this week I noticed that in the front I look like Eddie Munster...yep, there is a little "V" of hair growing right in the middle of my forehead....

After we finished at Borders we went to Wal-Mart and I bought some hair color. I am not going to worry about using "organic" at this point because I don't plan on using much and it won't be on very long. I have decided to color it dark brown which is the color that is covering the majority of my head...once I thought more about coloring it red I chickened out. When I had red hair I would use red hair coloring to cover my gray...that was pretty easy. I am not brave enough to try to color gray and brown hair with red so I thought I would just go brown for a while...it's not like anyone is going to see it. This week it will be 3 months since my last chemo...I have read about a lot of women going "uncovered" at 3 months but I think it will be between 4-5 months before I have the courage to do it. I have to say that I am looking forward to trying out some fun, short styles when I have enough to actually "style". I saw a lot of cute ones in the magazines tonight. BTW - Borders is a great place to get away and relax....I sat in a big, comfy chair with my cup of iced tea and read all the magazines that I wanted. They play all different styles of music and there are no kids whining!!! It always kind of seemed odd to me to go in there and read magazines instead of buying them but once I looked thru them it was obvious that tons of people do that based on their condition...I think I will be doing that more often and won't feel one bit guilty about it! I guess that will be one of my new "guilty pleasures!"
I will let you know how the coloring experiment turns out...