OUCH!

Ouch is definitely the word for the weekend....it has been very painful but I am getting thru it. I am not having any nausea so that is a blessing. On Saturday afternoon I started having cramps that just kept getting worse thru the evening. It is obvious that chemo and my ovaries are not getting along...the pain has reminded me of the labor pains I had the night before Tyler was born. The bone pain kind of crept up on me as Saturday progressed...at first it was just little jabs of shooting pain and then it finally worked it's way up to a constant pain from my lower back to my shins. I have been constantly taking ibuprofen but it doesn't seem to phase the pain...I dug out an old heating pad and I have tried to lay on it but it doesn't seem to help either. The few times I have walked down the stairs it almost felt like the bones in my knees were crumbling, it was really an odd sensation. It really is crazy to see how harsh these drugs can be on your body so quickly. Another big difference with this treatment is how much I have been awake. I don't know if it's the pain that keeps me from sleeping or just the difference in the drugs but I definitely don't feel like I am living in a fog like I did with the AC chemo.

Emotionally each treatment gets so much harder. It is just so frustrating to not have the energy to do what I want to do anymore and each treatment seems to take more out of me. After spending all these weekends in my bedroom I am starting to hate it which is sad because when we moved into this house my bedroom was one of my favorite rooms. I think when I get done with chemo I will want to burn all the blankets, sheets, pj's, etc. because they will be horrible reminders of these long miserable weekends.

Thankfully, the kids have had a good weekend. Jillian spent all day with her friend Amanda on Saturday and today she spent the day with her friend Brittney. Tyler has been over in Indiana spending a few days with his cousins. I am so glad that they have been able to get out and have fun....Bret has spent his time putting up all the x-mas stuff and trying to fix our garage door and refrigerator which have broken at the same time.....looks like we will be doing some shopping this week for things that aren't fun to spend money on - yuck!

Treatment number 5!

Getting ready for treatment #5 was tough. I had to take 5 steroids pills last night around 9:30 and then 5 more pills at 3:30. Those made me feel like I was all crazy and I started worrying about something going wrong with the new treatment. I finally took an Ativan (happy pill) to settle down and got 2 -3 hours of sleep. The steroids really helped the hives improve so they said there was no problem getting treatment. Everything went along fine until we finished the Taxol and they said we could go home. I said they needed to check the file because I was supposed to also have Herceptin with each Taxol....they went back and checked and did not see that noted in my file and since Dr. B. is on vaca this week they told me we would need to skip it. They said it was no big deal but you all know how I like to make a plan and stick to it....I will be calling Dr. B. after New Year's to see how this affects our treatment plan....my worst fear is that I will need to add an extra Taxol treatment on to the end of our schedule....

I was so tired from the lack of sleep and the big bag of benadryl the gave me during treatment I came home and slept most of the afternoon. Right now I feel completely fine. It would be nice if I could feel like this over the weekend but I don't want to get my hopes up.

I have loaded up on all the meds I will need over the next few days. There are some different vitamins I can take to help with neuropathy (numbness in the fingers and toes that is normally only temporary), I have some pain relievers to help with the bone pain with is the number #1 complaint from Taxol. I started putting tea tree oil on my finger nails and toe nails because Taxol is known for causing nails to peel away from the nail bed and also cuase infections in the nails. I have started on an extra C vitamin to help prevent bone loss because chemo is known for that. I have all the old standbys for the wonderful stomach issues that come after a treatment but I will spare you those details! At the end of January I will be going in for another Mugga scan. This will see if I had any heart damage from the AC treatment because the Herceptin can also be very toxic to the heart and if my heart function decreases I may not be able to continue the treatment. That's all for now...I will write again when we get thru the weekend!

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. We have had a nice couple of days. On Saturday we packed up the van and headed up to Vermilion to visit with my family. We stayed there until the afternoon of Christmas Eve. It was nice to be home and spend time with family. My hives have continued to get a little worse each day so I did not rest well while we were there. I am surprised how quickly I run out of steam. I will wake up and feel okay but by lunch time I am just completely wore out....they say that the effects of the chemo are cumulative so this may just be how things are going to be.....

Once we got home on Christmas Eve the kids were excited to get ready for Santa. Jillian seemed most excited about snacks for Santa and the reindeer and her letter for Santa, Tyler wrote exactly what she said and it went something like this "Dear Santa, how is your life, how had you been..." we all just love the "had" part of the sentence!! Today has been a nice relaxing day. After we opened gifts Bret made us a yummy breakfast and I went back to bed for a little nap. The kids have played most of the day and I have done some reading...it was nice just a have a day that we didn't have to be anywhere. I heard someone say last week that one of the best things about Christmas is being able to view it through the eyes of a young child...I have to agree. There is nothing better than the magic you see in the eyes of a child as it gets closer to Christmas eve....

I will probably call the doctor tomorrow about the rash since it has spread to my legs...I am hoping it won't delay treatment on Thursday. Dr. B. is out of town this week so I will have to work with another doctor...

Life Lessons..

I am feeling pretty good after the last treatment..a little tired but that is just the norm these days. The crazy hives have returned in full force...it sure is a good thing that I don't make a living on my good looks..I started on another steroid a few days ago but it doesn't seem to be helping.

My dear friend Annie from Atlanta came for a visit on Tuesday. She and her family were visiting family in Crawfordsville, Ind so she drove over to visit with us for the evening. Shauna brought over a delicious meal which we enjoyed- especially the warm chocolate chip cookies! Annie and I only had three hours together before she had to head back to Indiana but those three hours were perfect! It was just so nice to sit together and talk and talk and talk (we both have the gift of gab!). Before I got home from work she had also wrapped a bunch of presents for us which was a big help.

When I went to bed that night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long time. I loved my time with her but it also made me miss her even more. In our ten years of being friends we have been through the best of times and the worst of times but we could always count on each other for never ending support. I think another reason I was crying is that I realized the lessons my kids were learning from this cancer journey. When Annie left to make her three hour drive home Tyler said "wow, no one has ever drove that far just to visit us for a few hours." I knew right then that Annie taught my kids a very important lesson about love and what being a real friend really means. So many of you have reached out to us in so many ways....the kids get excited on Tuesdays and Fridays for the wonderful home cooked meals and what I hope they remember is that it's not about the food but it's more about neighbors and friends and even strangers reaching out to us - wanting to do something to make this journey just a little bit easier. One of my prayers since I was diagnosed is that Tyler and Jillian will be better and more caring people as they grow up because of what they have seen all of you do for us...I am so thankful because I know that prayer is being answered...THANK YOU!

We're half way there....

I know I had my actual treatment on Thursday but I actually feel like treatment is really over on Sunday evenings....the weekend went fine...lots of sleep again, lots of muscle aches but just tiny tweaks of nausea every once in a while...very tolerable. I found out the hard way that I really am not in "chemopause" and that my ovaries are alive and well...great timing! This is not a good thing since part of my cancer cells are driven by estrogen and ovaries produce estrogen. I plan to put a call in to Dr. B. today to see about starting a drug to shut my ovaries down...the crazy hives that started after treatment #3 seem to be going away. I am a little itchy this morning but the old ones look like they are drying up so I am hoping we don't have to deal with that again.

I am feeling a little more than overwhelmed by Christmas being less than a week away....I thought I was in pretty good shape but now I start thinking of all of those little things you have to do at the last minute and I don't know when I will do them....as a matter of fact, I think I will stop writing and get to work on Christmas cards....

Say good-bye to the Red Devil

Treatment went just fine yesteday...I think I was the most relaxed and calm compared to any of the others. All my counts came back fine so we were ready to get started. I lucked out and got Tina "the crazy RN" for the day....she keeps your spirits up, talks to you about any concerns you have and really knows her stuff. We told her we were plannning to take pics of the last push with the Red Devil and she thought that was a great way to celebrate the half way point. She also agreed that most patients do better with the Taxol treatment so I am keeping my thoughts positivie as we move forward. What you see in the picture is the syringe full of the Red Devil that has to be pushed in by a nurse instead of coming from a bag into the IV. The tube goes into the port in my chest (which now looks like a 2 liter pop bottle lid just under my skin) once it flows into the port it goes thru a small tube up my neck and directly into my jugular vein....that's when it starts kickin' some cancer ass!! Oh yeah, mine too, but that is okay!

Today I am moving a little slow...just doing some work from home and will be ready for a nap very soon. We are supposed to have quite a winter storm here tomorrow and Sunday so I guess I will just peek out my window between naps to see what is going on. I received a beautiful flower arrangement yesterday and those will stay in my room this weekend to brighten my days! Since I changed the blog to xmas colors I wanted to share this pic of Jillian in front of our tree...she loves to act like a little model!!! Love to all!!

Appt. with Dr. B

When I talked to the nurse about my rash yesterday she said they wanted to see me today. I was glad to get the appointment because I had been collecting a long list of questions for my next visit. When I arrived at the appt. I could tell that things were crazy so I was afraid that he wouldn't have time for all my questions....Once he checked out my rash he said it was a medication reaction and that it was most likely from the Emend since that is the only med that changed with my last treatment...I quickly responded that no way was I giving up the only anti-nausea drug that has worked for me and that I would just live with itchy/painful rashes....he said that we will monitor it after this next treatment and add some extra steroids if it doesn't get better. I asked if we could go over a few things and he instantly said "absolutely...ask me anything you want to know!" We talked about my surgery and he said if I keep doing ok with treatments that I should be able to have surgery 3 weeks after my last treatment. I told him that I had read that most people don't get as sick with the taxol treatment compared to the ac treatment and he agreed and said that 80% find it easier to tolerate ....let's all pray that I fall in that 80% category!!! I told him that I was worried because I have been having breast pain since my last treatment...I was afraid because I had pain when the cancer was discovered....he assured me that this was ok and that nothing is growing in there with all the chemo I am getting. We also discussed doing a BRCA genetic test...this will determine if I carry the breast cancer gene. He said we can do it....if it comes back that I do carry the gene that means that I have a higher risk of uterine cancer and will defintely need a hysterectomy ...it will also be important for Jillian to know in the future. It was really a good appointment....I have been pretty down or just worried or something...not sure, but after talking with him today I felt much better about everything...he really is a great doc...he even took the time to ask about Bret and how our whole family is doing with all of this...it's just nice that he knows that this impacts all of us, not just me. Overall, it was just a much better day. It was almost 60 and sunny out today so I was able to sit outside and eat lunch...people looked at me like I was crazy but it was just too nice to not sit outside and enjoy it....a couple inches of snow last week and sunny and 60 today...gotta love the Midwest weather!!!

Monday update...

Not much new to report...besides that I am really GRUMPY so you probably wouldn't want to hear much from me. The weekend was fine. I felt really bad most of the day on Saturday but did manage to get most of my shopping done. I stayed home yesterday while Bret took the kids to Indiana for the Middleton Christmas. His brother had called to say that many of them had colds so we decided it would be best for me to stay home. I have some crazy rash or hives all over my arms and upper body which is pretty painful...going to call the doc about that today but I am sure I will be told it is just another wonderful side effect of the chemo. I have had very little sleep for days...Jillian has had a horrible cough for over a week so that is keeping me awake every night. Counting down to number 4 and my last meeting with the Red Devil on Thursday .....

Brrr...it's cold!

We had our first snowfall yesterday...just a couple of inches but school was cancelled and the kids had fun. It was very pretty and it made it really feel like Christmas. This morning it is only 18 degrees...I have always hated wearing coats but now that I have to be extra careful about not getting sick I wear my big coat, gloves and even a scarf! I always heard that wigs may be hot to wear but no one told me that a cold breeze blowing outside goes right thru the back of a wig and hits your scalp....bbrrr.. It is interesting to see how hair reacts to chemo....I am enjoying not having to shave my legs anymore but I find it irritating that you also lose the tiny hairs inside your nose....what's the big deal with that??? If you eat something hot or go out in the cold your nose starts running instantly with no warning....I guess those little hairs kind of control that for the rest of you...for some reason the hair on my arms seem to be totally unaffected...just my luck - the hair I dislike the most on my body seems to be the hair that is going to hang on! Okay, enough talk about hair this morning!!!

I am feeling good after the last treatment...it actually seems like I felt better faster this time...maybe that is because I didn't get as sick over the weekend but whatever the reason I will take it! I do feel like I might be fighting a sinus infection so I hope that doesn't get any worse. I talked to the nurse yesterday and she said a lot of people are getting sick right now and that I should call them if I run a fever...I am hoping that I feel good this weekend so that I can get everything ready for Christmas. It stinks to only have every other weekend to get ready so I have to try to pack everything into two days....both the kids are very excited for Christmas. Jillian is at that perfect age...she walks around and sings Christmas carols all the time...of course, half the words are made up but it is so cute! Stay warm!! Jan

The fog begins to lift...

Well, its 2:00 am on Monday morning and I am starting to come out of the chemo fog...Jillian has been coughing all night, Bret is snoring and the wind is beating something against the side of the house so I finally decided to get up....for the first time since around noon on Friday I feel like I can almost think clearly. The good news is that the Emend kept me from vomiting all weekend. I had some other tummy issues and some pretty bad muscle aches on and off but nothing that OTC drugs couldn't take care of. I don't think I have ever slept so much in my life....I have read that for many patients the third AC treatment can really knock you down so I guess that is what happened to me. I just can't believe how weak and tired I felt. I worry that my red blood cell count may be low because the chemo does attack the red blood cells in your bone marrow and the only way you know that besides blood work is severe fatique. I guess I just need to see how this week goes....I keep hoping that the Taxol part of my treatments won't be so hard. I hate missing so many days of my life with each treatment. Jillian had her first dance performance on Saturday and I did not get to attend. They are going to perform again at a mall on Thursday so I am hoping I feel good enough to go then. I missed Bunko for the 2nd month in a row on Saturday evening...I miss all the girls in the group....we always have such a fun evening and they always lift my spirits. I guess I just don't do well staying in the house for so many days. Even though I could hardly keep my eyes open I had Bret take me for a drive to pick up a "carry out" salad at Outback Steakhouse last night....I just had to get out of the bedroom and smell some fresh air. It's hard not to feel depressed with all of this. Besides just dealing with the reality of everything that is going on all of these drugs can really mess with your mind and on top of that they also have caused me to go into what is called "chemopause" which is temporary menopause with all the benefits! Poor Bret....from what I understand going thru breast cancer treatment will be like going thru menopause 2 or 3 times...
Well, enough rambling for now....Jan