OUCH!

Ouch is definitely the word for the weekend....it has been very painful but I am getting thru it. I am not having any nausea so that is a blessing. On Saturday afternoon I started having cramps that just kept getting worse thru the evening. It is obvious that chemo and my ovaries are not getting along...the pain has reminded me of the labor pains I had the night before Tyler was born. The bone pain kind of crept up on me as Saturday progressed...at first it was just little jabs of shooting pain and then it finally worked it's way up to a constant pain from my lower back to my shins. I have been constantly taking ibuprofen but it doesn't seem to phase the pain...I dug out an old heating pad and I have tried to lay on it but it doesn't seem to help either. The few times I have walked down the stairs it almost felt like the bones in my knees were crumbling, it was really an odd sensation. It really is crazy to see how harsh these drugs can be on your body so quickly. Another big difference with this treatment is how much I have been awake. I don't know if it's the pain that keeps me from sleeping or just the difference in the drugs but I definitely don't feel like I am living in a fog like I did with the AC chemo.

Emotionally each treatment gets so much harder. It is just so frustrating to not have the energy to do what I want to do anymore and each treatment seems to take more out of me. After spending all these weekends in my bedroom I am starting to hate it which is sad because when we moved into this house my bedroom was one of my favorite rooms. I think when I get done with chemo I will want to burn all the blankets, sheets, pj's, etc. because they will be horrible reminders of these long miserable weekends.

Thankfully, the kids have had a good weekend. Jillian spent all day with her friend Amanda on Saturday and today she spent the day with her friend Brittney. Tyler has been over in Indiana spending a few days with his cousins. I am so glad that they have been able to get out and have fun....Bret has spent his time putting up all the x-mas stuff and trying to fix our garage door and refrigerator which have broken at the same time.....looks like we will be doing some shopping this week for things that aren't fun to spend money on - yuck!

Treatment number 5!

Getting ready for treatment #5 was tough. I had to take 5 steroids pills last night around 9:30 and then 5 more pills at 3:30. Those made me feel like I was all crazy and I started worrying about something going wrong with the new treatment. I finally took an Ativan (happy pill) to settle down and got 2 -3 hours of sleep. The steroids really helped the hives improve so they said there was no problem getting treatment. Everything went along fine until we finished the Taxol and they said we could go home. I said they needed to check the file because I was supposed to also have Herceptin with each Taxol....they went back and checked and did not see that noted in my file and since Dr. B. is on vaca this week they told me we would need to skip it. They said it was no big deal but you all know how I like to make a plan and stick to it....I will be calling Dr. B. after New Year's to see how this affects our treatment plan....my worst fear is that I will need to add an extra Taxol treatment on to the end of our schedule....

I was so tired from the lack of sleep and the big bag of benadryl the gave me during treatment I came home and slept most of the afternoon. Right now I feel completely fine. It would be nice if I could feel like this over the weekend but I don't want to get my hopes up.

I have loaded up on all the meds I will need over the next few days. There are some different vitamins I can take to help with neuropathy (numbness in the fingers and toes that is normally only temporary), I have some pain relievers to help with the bone pain with is the number #1 complaint from Taxol. I started putting tea tree oil on my finger nails and toe nails because Taxol is known for causing nails to peel away from the nail bed and also cuase infections in the nails. I have started on an extra C vitamin to help prevent bone loss because chemo is known for that. I have all the old standbys for the wonderful stomach issues that come after a treatment but I will spare you those details! At the end of January I will be going in for another Mugga scan. This will see if I had any heart damage from the AC treatment because the Herceptin can also be very toxic to the heart and if my heart function decreases I may not be able to continue the treatment. That's all for now...I will write again when we get thru the weekend!

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. We have had a nice couple of days. On Saturday we packed up the van and headed up to Vermilion to visit with my family. We stayed there until the afternoon of Christmas Eve. It was nice to be home and spend time with family. My hives have continued to get a little worse each day so I did not rest well while we were there. I am surprised how quickly I run out of steam. I will wake up and feel okay but by lunch time I am just completely wore out....they say that the effects of the chemo are cumulative so this may just be how things are going to be.....

Once we got home on Christmas Eve the kids were excited to get ready for Santa. Jillian seemed most excited about snacks for Santa and the reindeer and her letter for Santa, Tyler wrote exactly what she said and it went something like this "Dear Santa, how is your life, how had you been..." we all just love the "had" part of the sentence!! Today has been a nice relaxing day. After we opened gifts Bret made us a yummy breakfast and I went back to bed for a little nap. The kids have played most of the day and I have done some reading...it was nice just a have a day that we didn't have to be anywhere. I heard someone say last week that one of the best things about Christmas is being able to view it through the eyes of a young child...I have to agree. There is nothing better than the magic you see in the eyes of a child as it gets closer to Christmas eve....

I will probably call the doctor tomorrow about the rash since it has spread to my legs...I am hoping it won't delay treatment on Thursday. Dr. B. is out of town this week so I will have to work with another doctor...

Life Lessons..

I am feeling pretty good after the last treatment..a little tired but that is just the norm these days. The crazy hives have returned in full force...it sure is a good thing that I don't make a living on my good looks..I started on another steroid a few days ago but it doesn't seem to be helping.

My dear friend Annie from Atlanta came for a visit on Tuesday. She and her family were visiting family in Crawfordsville, Ind so she drove over to visit with us for the evening. Shauna brought over a delicious meal which we enjoyed- especially the warm chocolate chip cookies! Annie and I only had three hours together before she had to head back to Indiana but those three hours were perfect! It was just so nice to sit together and talk and talk and talk (we both have the gift of gab!). Before I got home from work she had also wrapped a bunch of presents for us which was a big help.

When I went to bed that night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long time. I loved my time with her but it also made me miss her even more. In our ten years of being friends we have been through the best of times and the worst of times but we could always count on each other for never ending support. I think another reason I was crying is that I realized the lessons my kids were learning from this cancer journey. When Annie left to make her three hour drive home Tyler said "wow, no one has ever drove that far just to visit us for a few hours." I knew right then that Annie taught my kids a very important lesson about love and what being a real friend really means. So many of you have reached out to us in so many ways....the kids get excited on Tuesdays and Fridays for the wonderful home cooked meals and what I hope they remember is that it's not about the food but it's more about neighbors and friends and even strangers reaching out to us - wanting to do something to make this journey just a little bit easier. One of my prayers since I was diagnosed is that Tyler and Jillian will be better and more caring people as they grow up because of what they have seen all of you do for us...I am so thankful because I know that prayer is being answered...THANK YOU!

We're half way there....

I know I had my actual treatment on Thursday but I actually feel like treatment is really over on Sunday evenings....the weekend went fine...lots of sleep again, lots of muscle aches but just tiny tweaks of nausea every once in a while...very tolerable. I found out the hard way that I really am not in "chemopause" and that my ovaries are alive and well...great timing! This is not a good thing since part of my cancer cells are driven by estrogen and ovaries produce estrogen. I plan to put a call in to Dr. B. today to see about starting a drug to shut my ovaries down...the crazy hives that started after treatment #3 seem to be going away. I am a little itchy this morning but the old ones look like they are drying up so I am hoping we don't have to deal with that again.

I am feeling a little more than overwhelmed by Christmas being less than a week away....I thought I was in pretty good shape but now I start thinking of all of those little things you have to do at the last minute and I don't know when I will do them....as a matter of fact, I think I will stop writing and get to work on Christmas cards....

Say good-bye to the Red Devil

Treatment went just fine yesteday...I think I was the most relaxed and calm compared to any of the others. All my counts came back fine so we were ready to get started. I lucked out and got Tina "the crazy RN" for the day....she keeps your spirits up, talks to you about any concerns you have and really knows her stuff. We told her we were plannning to take pics of the last push with the Red Devil and she thought that was a great way to celebrate the half way point. She also agreed that most patients do better with the Taxol treatment so I am keeping my thoughts positivie as we move forward. What you see in the picture is the syringe full of the Red Devil that has to be pushed in by a nurse instead of coming from a bag into the IV. The tube goes into the port in my chest (which now looks like a 2 liter pop bottle lid just under my skin) once it flows into the port it goes thru a small tube up my neck and directly into my jugular vein....that's when it starts kickin' some cancer ass!! Oh yeah, mine too, but that is okay!

Today I am moving a little slow...just doing some work from home and will be ready for a nap very soon. We are supposed to have quite a winter storm here tomorrow and Sunday so I guess I will just peek out my window between naps to see what is going on. I received a beautiful flower arrangement yesterday and those will stay in my room this weekend to brighten my days! Since I changed the blog to xmas colors I wanted to share this pic of Jillian in front of our tree...she loves to act like a little model!!! Love to all!!

Appt. with Dr. B

When I talked to the nurse about my rash yesterday she said they wanted to see me today. I was glad to get the appointment because I had been collecting a long list of questions for my next visit. When I arrived at the appt. I could tell that things were crazy so I was afraid that he wouldn't have time for all my questions....Once he checked out my rash he said it was a medication reaction and that it was most likely from the Emend since that is the only med that changed with my last treatment...I quickly responded that no way was I giving up the only anti-nausea drug that has worked for me and that I would just live with itchy/painful rashes....he said that we will monitor it after this next treatment and add some extra steroids if it doesn't get better. I asked if we could go over a few things and he instantly said "absolutely...ask me anything you want to know!" We talked about my surgery and he said if I keep doing ok with treatments that I should be able to have surgery 3 weeks after my last treatment. I told him that I had read that most people don't get as sick with the taxol treatment compared to the ac treatment and he agreed and said that 80% find it easier to tolerate ....let's all pray that I fall in that 80% category!!! I told him that I was worried because I have been having breast pain since my last treatment...I was afraid because I had pain when the cancer was discovered....he assured me that this was ok and that nothing is growing in there with all the chemo I am getting. We also discussed doing a BRCA genetic test...this will determine if I carry the breast cancer gene. He said we can do it....if it comes back that I do carry the gene that means that I have a higher risk of uterine cancer and will defintely need a hysterectomy ...it will also be important for Jillian to know in the future. It was really a good appointment....I have been pretty down or just worried or something...not sure, but after talking with him today I felt much better about everything...he really is a great doc...he even took the time to ask about Bret and how our whole family is doing with all of this...it's just nice that he knows that this impacts all of us, not just me. Overall, it was just a much better day. It was almost 60 and sunny out today so I was able to sit outside and eat lunch...people looked at me like I was crazy but it was just too nice to not sit outside and enjoy it....a couple inches of snow last week and sunny and 60 today...gotta love the Midwest weather!!!

Monday update...

Not much new to report...besides that I am really GRUMPY so you probably wouldn't want to hear much from me. The weekend was fine. I felt really bad most of the day on Saturday but did manage to get most of my shopping done. I stayed home yesterday while Bret took the kids to Indiana for the Middleton Christmas. His brother had called to say that many of them had colds so we decided it would be best for me to stay home. I have some crazy rash or hives all over my arms and upper body which is pretty painful...going to call the doc about that today but I am sure I will be told it is just another wonderful side effect of the chemo. I have had very little sleep for days...Jillian has had a horrible cough for over a week so that is keeping me awake every night. Counting down to number 4 and my last meeting with the Red Devil on Thursday .....

Brrr...it's cold!

We had our first snowfall yesterday...just a couple of inches but school was cancelled and the kids had fun. It was very pretty and it made it really feel like Christmas. This morning it is only 18 degrees...I have always hated wearing coats but now that I have to be extra careful about not getting sick I wear my big coat, gloves and even a scarf! I always heard that wigs may be hot to wear but no one told me that a cold breeze blowing outside goes right thru the back of a wig and hits your scalp....bbrrr.. It is interesting to see how hair reacts to chemo....I am enjoying not having to shave my legs anymore but I find it irritating that you also lose the tiny hairs inside your nose....what's the big deal with that??? If you eat something hot or go out in the cold your nose starts running instantly with no warning....I guess those little hairs kind of control that for the rest of you...for some reason the hair on my arms seem to be totally unaffected...just my luck - the hair I dislike the most on my body seems to be the hair that is going to hang on! Okay, enough talk about hair this morning!!!

I am feeling good after the last treatment...it actually seems like I felt better faster this time...maybe that is because I didn't get as sick over the weekend but whatever the reason I will take it! I do feel like I might be fighting a sinus infection so I hope that doesn't get any worse. I talked to the nurse yesterday and she said a lot of people are getting sick right now and that I should call them if I run a fever...I am hoping that I feel good this weekend so that I can get everything ready for Christmas. It stinks to only have every other weekend to get ready so I have to try to pack everything into two days....both the kids are very excited for Christmas. Jillian is at that perfect age...she walks around and sings Christmas carols all the time...of course, half the words are made up but it is so cute! Stay warm!! Jan

The fog begins to lift...

Well, its 2:00 am on Monday morning and I am starting to come out of the chemo fog...Jillian has been coughing all night, Bret is snoring and the wind is beating something against the side of the house so I finally decided to get up....for the first time since around noon on Friday I feel like I can almost think clearly. The good news is that the Emend kept me from vomiting all weekend. I had some other tummy issues and some pretty bad muscle aches on and off but nothing that OTC drugs couldn't take care of. I don't think I have ever slept so much in my life....I have read that for many patients the third AC treatment can really knock you down so I guess that is what happened to me. I just can't believe how weak and tired I felt. I worry that my red blood cell count may be low because the chemo does attack the red blood cells in your bone marrow and the only way you know that besides blood work is severe fatique. I guess I just need to see how this week goes....I keep hoping that the Taxol part of my treatments won't be so hard. I hate missing so many days of my life with each treatment. Jillian had her first dance performance on Saturday and I did not get to attend. They are going to perform again at a mall on Thursday so I am hoping I feel good enough to go then. I missed Bunko for the 2nd month in a row on Saturday evening...I miss all the girls in the group....we always have such a fun evening and they always lift my spirits. I guess I just don't do well staying in the house for so many days. Even though I could hardly keep my eyes open I had Bret take me for a drive to pick up a "carry out" salad at Outback Steakhouse last night....I just had to get out of the bedroom and smell some fresh air. It's hard not to feel depressed with all of this. Besides just dealing with the reality of everything that is going on all of these drugs can really mess with your mind and on top of that they also have caused me to go into what is called "chemopause" which is temporary menopause with all the benefits! Poor Bret....from what I understand going thru breast cancer treatment will be like going thru menopause 2 or 3 times...
Well, enough rambling for now....Jan

One more round with the red devil...

Today is Friday and like my other treatments I am feeling okay. The Emend definetely makes me more tired so I have slept more the last two days. So, what is the red devil???? That is a term that patients use to describe part of the meds that are given during a chemo treatment. Most of the meds drip from a bag into your vein but at some time during the treatment the nurse comes over with two large syringes that are full of what looks like cherry kool aid. From what I have read this stuff is pretty toxic so that is why they have to "push" it in by hand so that they are there to monitor you the entire time. I am pretty sure that this part is only given during the AC part of my treatment plan so I am hoping that I only have to see the "red devil" one more time.

I am hoping that Saturday and Sunday will be much better because of the new meds...thanks for your constant thoughts and prayers!!

Count down to number 3

I can tell I am getting more nervous about the next treatment as it gets closer. #2 was so bad and the memories of being sick are still too fresh in my mind. I have heard from many women in my online support group that the best med out there for nausea is called Emend so I called and asked for it. I heard back from the nurse that he is planning to give it to me so that makes me feel a little better. I am also glad that I only have 2 more treatments of AC because from everything that I have read the last 4 treatments of Taxol should not make me as sick. It sounds like I will continue to feel even more fatigue and find it harder to bounce back but not as many people get sick with the taxol...something to look forward to!

Our Thanksgiving was nice. We had a nice dinner and took the kids to Gameworks. Since I have been having so much trouble sleeping I actually went out shopping at 3:30 on Friday...I had been awake since a little after 2 so I decided I might as well....it was snowing that morning so it definetely felt like Christmas. The wigs are still uncomfortable but I did get the nerve to go out with just a scarf on a couple times this weekend. I hate the way I look but it is so much more comfortable. Since I was looking for bargains I didn't pay much attention to the people around me so I don't know how they were looking at me....hopefully I will get more comfortable over time going out with a hat or a scarf.

Please say a prayer for us that this treatment goes better....it really is hard on the whole family when I am sick. Love to All!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

A lot of you have asked for a pic of me in the wig so here you go! I haven't worn the longer style yet so maybe we will do a new pic next week. I was very nervous about wearing it on Monday but everyone at work has been so great. Some people think I just got a haircut so that makes me feel good knowing that it must not look too fake. It doesn't feel great to wear but I am hoping with time it will get more comfortable and I hope that I will be more comfortable with the idea of going out with just a hat or scarf on...I think cutting off my hair over a couple days and being completely drugged up helped me get thru that trauma but it is still so hard to even look in the mirror...it just seems like a stranger looking back at me. I can only hope that it will get easier to cope with over time. It is so sad that this is a side affect of the chemo....when you see it in the movies it always seems so horrible but living thru is one of the worst things I have ever had to deal with. I really don't consider myself a very vain person but as women we are expected to have hair and now I don't. If you go out with just a hat or scarf you get that horrible sympathetic look that you are dying (haven't tried this yet but I have read about it over and over). I just wish that no other woman would have to go thru this.....it's just something that is hard to explain.... The kids seemed to do ok when they first saw me. Jillian kind of thought it was silly but instantly wanted to know when I would get my hair back. Tyler just looked and didn't say much. I think the difference is that he understands that I have a serious disease and Jillian doesn't really know what is going on.

For Thanksgiving Bret's Dad and Nancy are coming to visit. We are planning to go out to eat and then take the kids to Gameworks to hang out for the evening. It's hard not to do the whole traditional Thanksgiving thing but this is what works best for us this year...Tyler seemed disappointed that we would not be eating at home but when I told him about Gameworks that perked him up. I worry that these are the things that he will remember about me being sick and that makes me sad....

On a happier note....this is the time of the year that we are supposed to take time out to think about all the things that we are thankful for. Since my diagnosis it seems like I list these things in my prayers to God each day but I wanted to share them with you. I know Bret and I have expressed our thanks to all of you so many times and it just never seems like enough. It's been over two months since I found out about having cancer and each day I am still overwhelmed by the love that has surrounded us during our time of need. Monday was a really tough day emotionally and physically and it was so nice to get home and have some very sweet gifts arrive in the mail - you know who you are and your timing just could not have been better - your thoughts really brightened my day. Tonight we had another great meal delivered....all of you that are pitching in on the meals are just so generous and caring. So I just have to say thank you again for the cards, calls, emails, text messages, blog posts and all the other things you all do to keep my spirits up on the darkest of days.....here is my list of what I am thankful for this year -

INCREDIBLE Family & Friends!!!!!
My friends at work who just seem to know when I need a big hug
A loving God that continues to give me strength to get through each day
The many people that are praying for me that I don't even know (church prayer lists)
My new on-line friends that started chemo in November with me
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (it's on right now...one of my all time faves!)
Being able to laugh at myself
A beautiful November day (it was sunny and warm today...the leaves looked so pretty)
HOPE
The words "I Love You!"
A hubby that takes such good care of me!

I hope that each of you know what a gift you are to us....I hope that you and your families have a very blessed Thanksgiving....please take just a moment and remember all the things (big and small) that you are thankful for...it will put a smile on your face! Love to All!

weekend update..

Things didn't go well this weekend. I was very sick all night Sat into Sun. We called the doc early Sunday and the on call doctor said to go to the hospital if we thought I was getting dehydrated...we decided to wait a while and eventually I stopped getting sick and kept fluids in. The hair is completely gone...
CANCER SUCKS!

Middleton's Barber Shop is Open for Business!

My hair is continuing to fall out by the hand fulls so after we got the kids off to school we put a sheet down in the bathroom floor and starting cutting. I did most of the front and Bret cut off the back and then added more layers throughout. I wasn't able to style it much because every time you touch it more comes out....I thought this would be a good thing to have for a few days to give the kids some time to get used to my changing styles. I showed Jillian a pic of a little girl kissing her Mom who was bald and she got pretty upset and just kept asking me why I had to take the meds and when my normal hair will come back....hopefully, this will get easier on her as time passes.

I am feeling okay after treatment yesterday. Kind of loopy but able to function. Fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow.

Give us a call if you need a haircut---we have reasonable rates!!!

Two down, six to go!

We just got home from chemo number 2 and everything went fine. We met with Dr. B to review how the first treatment went and he gave me some new meds to try to prevent the nausea. My blood work came back fine so we were able to go ahead with the treatment and that went just fine. I am not as tired as I was after the first treatment and I feel fine.

When I got up this morning I was shocked to see how fast my hair is coming out. When I put shampoo in my hair I pulled out handfulls one after another. I just pulled it back with a headband today and tried to leave it alone. Bret and I will cut all of it or most of it tomorrow so I can work with the wigs a little this weekend. Everyone at work knows what is going on so I know they will be very supportive when I come into work with my new wig on next week.

I am going to take advantage of these next few days to catch up on my rest. The agent training that we did this week went perfect but I know that I worked way too many hours. We don't have anything else planned like this in the near future so I can just settle back in to my normal routine.

I appreciate everyone's support this week....I dread the idea of looking in mirror and seeing myself bald but so many of you have called or emailed to tell me that you love me with hair or without hair and that is what I have to keep telling myself...I thank God for your continued support!!! THANKS!!

I think the hair will fall out soon....

It has been a crazy week! I have been working long hours at work for this training session but today is the last day! I was pretty frustrated last night on my way home because I felt so tired and sick....I was so mad that this disease can take so much away. I got home and fell into bed only to wake up at 4 am with my scalp hurting....this is typically your warning sign that it's time for your hair to start falling out. I went ahead and got up and got into the shower and I could tell that it has started. I am thankful that I kept it through the training session but it is still hard to imagine that sometime soon all of my hair will be gone. I cry as I write this because in the big picture it seems silly to be upset over something like hair and I felt like I was ready for it to happen but now that it has started it is just hard to accept. I know I am also getting stressed about chemo tomorrow, it just sucks to know in advance that you will lose three or four days because you can't function. I guess I am just tired and it makes things seem worse but luckily my 23 reps along with all the regional sales managers will be in soon and it will be time to get up in front of them for the day and do the training....it will be a good distraction.....

Wigs are ready and waiting...

We had a great weekend and accomplished a lot! I had lots of energy all weekend. My sister came down for the weekend so we all went to pick out a wig Saturday. That went very well and we ended up with a short one and a medium length one. I am glad she was there because the kids wanted me to get a wig that looks exactly like my hair (not easy to find) and Bret wants me to go crazy and get something like long, straight and blonde...I worried how the kids would do and Jillian was a little upset once we put the first one on but once she could feel it and knew that my hair would be back someday she seemed better. Both kids liked the foam wig heads so we bought two of those which they later proceeded to color with crazy hair, mustaches, lots of make up, etc.

After that Kay and I were able to get a little x-mas shopping done and that evening she and Bret and I went to dinner and to Go Bananas comedy club. It was a fun evening and we all know laughter is good medicine! Yesterday I met a group of girls at a spa for pedicures which was a wonderful thing to do on a rainy day and then I came in to work for a couple hours to finalize last minute details for our upcoming training.

It will be a very busy week but it will help keep my mind off of chemo on Thursday....I just really hope we can do something different to keep me from getting so sick.. LOVE TO ALL!!!

7 days later I finally feel like me!!

I guess I didn't realize how tired I really have been this past week until I woke up this morning feeling so good. I woke up an hour before the alarm and even made it into work an hour early. I remember walking down the hallway thinking "hey, I am walking fast again...just like the old me!" I didn't take any breaks to lay down and now it's 8:00 pm and I am still going strong! The tube from the port has been bothering me so I plan to talk to Dr. K's nurse tomorrow. I don't really have much else to report...things are pretty crazy at work...we have almost 30 new reps coming in for training next week. This is the first time we have ever attempted to do a training this big and I am trying to coordinate everything...my biggest fear is that I will wake up Tuesday and all my hair will fall out....I am the first presenter of the day so I really don't want to walk in with a wig on that day....oh well, worrying won't change anything....let's just keep our fingers crossed that my red curls will hang on a few more days!

Stronger each day...

I was able to come back to work yesterday. I brought a sleeping bag, pillow and blanket and took a little rest just after lunch. I was able to close my blinds and shut the door to my office and re-energize! I was finally able to start eating again and can tell that I am getting stronger each day. Everyone at work was great my first day back after chemo. A couple of the girls had brought in small gifts for me and I had lots of hugs to welcome me back...I am very blessed to have so many supportive people in my life!!

Surviving round 1!

Wow - it has been a tough few days but things are looking up. Saturday was pretty rotten. All I can remember is sleeping, throwing up and crying in between. Looks like we need to ask for a new "anti-nausea cocktail" at the next chemo party to keep me from getting sick.... The worst part is trying to do what you know you should do which is eat and drink when you feel like crap. I thought I did pretty good with fluids yesterday but Bret said I needed to do better. Today nothing sounds good but I am just a little nauseaus. Bret and the kids went to the neighborhood Bengals party and I hung out with my Mom and Dad. I was glad to see them get out of the house and do something more fun than watch me sleep! I finally decided that a milkshake sounded okay so we took a little drive to UDF. I was able to drink a little of the milkshake and it made the pain in my stomach go away. Since Friday it has just felt like I swallowed a brick. I had a few more bites of ice cream this evening and I think that is going to be all for today....hopefully tomorrow I can start working on the proteins and other good things to help build back my white blood cells. When I think about doing this 7 more times I can tell that I get very anxious...yesterday I tried to tell myself to visualize a war between the cancer cells and the white blood cells going on in my body...I kept saying that it felt so bad because the good cells were kicking some cancer butt!!

Bret and Tyler took great care of me. Tyler came and laid down with me this morning and it just made me so sad to look into his eyes and to see how concerned he was ...a 12 yr. old should not have to live through something like this but I am very proud of him for being so compassionate, patient and caring. I had hoped to get out of the house to do more wig shopping so let's hope the hair hangs in there until late next week.....thanks to everyone for praying for me this weekend to get through this first round...we can always hope the next one will be a little better.

1 down 7 to go!

Bret and I just got back from getting my "booster" shot for my white blood cells. They said the shot could cause severe bone pain and nausea. I have felt okay today, just very tired so I have spent the most of the day in bed. I did get out for a few minutes to pick up drugs for constipation, dry mouth, mouth sores, etc. These are the wonderful side effects that can come along with the chemo injections along with fatique and nausea and numb fingers and toes. The injection yesterday was no problem. I think taking the Ativan in advance helped me settle down. A nurse met with us first to go over all the different types of meds and possible side effects. After that a new nurse came to get me all hooked up. The port worked great and I didn't even feel any pain when she first accessed it. The entire staff there is very funny - I am sure Bret will be giving them all a hard time very soon and they will be giving it right back. I am thankful that I have not had any nausea yet but the lack of energy is a little worse than I expected. I find that I am also stumbling around and bumping into things which is kind of crazy. I have no appetite at all but Bret is making sure that I am eating. I have been pretty good to keep my fluids going because I read that the more you drink the quicker you can flush all the drugs out of your system.

Thanks to everyone for your constant prayers and emails of encouragement...I look forward to them every day. Your continued generoisty and caring never ceases to amaze me and makes me realize how blessed I truly am!

First Day of Chemo

Jan came through the day like a trooper! Once again, we know she picked the right place when we walked through the door. Everyone made her feel at home and as comfortable as possible. With fuzzy blanky, gatorade, water, ice chips, ice pack, drinkning straws, the cancer bag and me in tow, she found the comfy blue chairs and waited for things to begin. They first educated us on side effects, gave us additional information concerning Jan's particular treatment regime and talked mostly about nausea and different things she could take if it becomes an issue. They took blood to test, asked her twice if she were pregnant(not sure why) and proceded with the hook up. They started with the red devil (the one that knocks you on your ass from what they say) and then completed with the second one (sorry, I don't know the names of them except A and C or AC) The nurses kept a close eye on her. She had taken something about an hour prior to the treatment (yes, it was prescribed) to "take the edge off". It may very well help with the nausea too. When we got in the car, she snoozed most of the way home, except when I kept asking her if she was ok and if she was feeling sick or if she had a headache or if she had to drive, could she......that was a big NO! WE got home, she popped another "take the edge off" and went to bed. Haven't seen her since! The hard part may come in the next day or two. We'll have to see. I can't say enough about how proud of her I was today. She is an amazing woman.

BTW - all of you freinds and neighbors that are getting together and providing us with 2 meals a week for the next 16 weeks?? I read the e-mail from Penny.....I can't believe what you are doing for us! Talk about making a grown man cry. You are all amazing. A big ole thank you to Heather for helping with Jillian as well. You are all a blessing and we value your love and support.

I'm sure Jan will fill in the blanks for you tomorrow!

One final note - talk about a great doctor, Dr. B just called me to see how she was doing. You don't find too many doctors to call you at 8 pm just to check on you.....

Sweet dreams

Happy Halloween!!

We went to get Jan's x-ray this morning and everything was fine, apparently the air bubble had been absorbed. We stopped on the way and got some flowers for the nurse that helped her through the day yesterday. The nurse was very appreciative and of course, when we walked in, all the other nurses said "is this the poor sole you were talking about that had such the rough time yesterday?" .......I just stood back and drank my coffee while they all hugged and carried on.... Jan has been sore and tender today where they stabbed her looking for a nice, plump, juicy artery, but other than that, she is good. She took a nap this afternoon, I tried catching up on a little work. Her parents just showed up and she's pumped about halloween. Tomorrow is the first chemo treatment. Wish her luck!

Evening Update: We had a perfect Halloween Eve. Mom and Dad were here so we enjoyed visiting with them. My Dad went Trick or Treating with Jillian, Bret, John and Olivia while Tyler headed out with one of his friends. We moved the Gahlberg's chimnea (yes, we are going to return it some day...) to the front yard and my Mom and I sat by the fire to hand out the candy. We had a lot of kids and it was just so nice to sit outside and relax...I could have stayed out all night...I just don't want this day to end. I talked to Dr. B.s's nurse today and they called me in a scrip to help with nerves and nausea before my first chemo appointment. After getting so sick yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to call and ask for something. I am just hoping things go well....

I am glad this day is over...

The heart test and port surgery were only supposed to take a couple hours, we thought we would be home by noon...unfortunately, things did not go as planned so we finally made it home around 5. The test was no big deal except for once again the tech could not get a vein for the IV..after several attempts he called in the expert and she got it on the first try. Once the test was over we walked over and started prepping for the port insertion. My nurse, Pat, was an angel and had me ready for surgery in no time. Because I was having local anesthesia I was able to chat with everyone in the operating room which made me more comfortable. Then they gave me the good stuff and I don't remember much after that. After surgery I found out that things did not go very well. The port was to be inserted above my left breast but after several tries they were not able to access the vein so they moved to the right side. After a couple tries they got the vein but somewhere in this process they knicked the lining of my lung which caused a sack to develop. The surgeon explained that they were not very concerned but they wanted to observe me for a couple hours and take another x-ray before discharging me. Bret was feeling miserable from an upper resp. infection, but he took good care of me. We finally got another x-ray and saw the doc again around 3:00. He said the tear had not changed much so they wanted me to go home and rest and come back tomorrow for another x-ray. I was glad to be getting out of there but once we started getting ready to leave my blood pressure crashed and I felt very sick. We continued to go through this for another hour until I finally felt well enough to leave. On the way home it hit me again and I vomited in the car but we finally made it home and I crashed in bed for the evening. Tyler took great care of me while Bret and Jillian went to get checked out. They both have upper respiratory infections so they are now on meds. Jillian and I ended the evening by watching the Charlie Brown Halloween special which is my all time favorite...the bright spot of the day!!!

It was a pretty emotional day for me. Getting so sick made me really dread the chemo. Pat and Bret were so good to listen to me, encourage me to be strong and wipe away the many tears throughout the day. This day was certainly one of those "road bumps" that I knew we would run into so I just pray that God will continue to give me the strength to just get through each one. I cried tonight when I read all the sweet messages....your constant support, encouragement and prayers give me the strength to keep going...thank you so much!!!!

Preparing for another day at the hospital...

I am trying to get everything organized so we can get up early tomorrow and get to the hospital. We need to check in at 8 for the heart test and as soon as that is finished we will move over to outpatient surgery. I will have local anesthesia and it should take no more than 30 minutes for Dr. K. to insert the port. I am really not nervous about any of the stuff going on tomorrow but I am getting very nervous about starting the chemo. My first appt. is this Thursday at 2. It was really hard to talk to Tyler this weekend about losing my hair but he did okay with it. For me losing my hair is harder emotionally than having the mastectomy. It's sad to me that so many people have to go through this. We live in a world where appearances are so important.....I am really dreading the first time that I have to see myself with no hair. I know it is only temporary and I pray that I will have the strength to just deal with it and look forward to putting this entire experience behind me. I did visit a wig shop on my lunch today. I was terrified to walk in there because I thought I would start crying. Once I started looking around I was actually surprised at how nice some of the wigs looked. Right away I found a curly one that was in a red shade similar to mine. One of the clerks put me in a chair and let me try it on. I was pretty happy with how realistic it looked. I was shocked to see that it was almost $300. Everything I have read says that you should have at least 2 and so far it sounds like insurance does not cover any of the expense. It seems unfair that insurance would pay for breast reconstruction or breast prosthesis but they expect women to walk around for several months wearing a scarf or hat??? At this point can't even imagine going out in public without a wig on but they say they are so uncomfortable so I might change my mind down the road....I know I need to stop worrying about things that are a few weeks away and just focus on getting through tomorrow....my prayer tonight is for some peace and that God will be with Dr. K. and the other medical staff as they operate on me tommorrow.

Appt. with Dr. B

Today has been a busy day...I guess that's obvious by the fact that there are 2 posts today. Our appointment went well this afternoon. Bret had created a very long list of questions and I also had a few more. We talked in depth about the Oncotype dx test. He said that their results showed that I was just barely ER/PR+ which means that the tamoxifen might not give me the added protection that he had hoped meaning that if there were remaining cancer cells the tamoxifen might not be able to kill them and they might continue to split and grow in another area like my bones, liver or brain. He explained that more and more doctors are looking more at genetic make up of cancer cells compared to the past when they only looked at the size of the tumor. Being able to use these types of tests means that they are really looking at how those cells act and grow. He did say that he contacted other breast cancer specialists since my third opinion did not agree with him. He said after reviewing my case with them they did agree with the more agressive plan. He said he will continue to use my case at his tumor board meetings also.

The plan as it stands right now is that I will go to the hospital on Tuesday morning. I will have a MUGGA scan first which will check my heart. This is important because the first phase of chemo and the Herceptin are toxic to the heart. After I complete the test I will go to outpatient surgery to have a port placed in my chest. This will be left in all during treatment so I will not have to use IV's. I have tough veins to hit so I like this idea. If the test comes back okay I will have my first treatment the next week. I will have 4 months of chemo. This will be done every other week, the chemo is given one day and I go back the second day to receive a shot that will help to boost my white blood cell counts. Once I get through the 4 months I will then get weekly Herceptin injections for 12 months. This drug has some odd side effects but it is not chemo so my hair will start growing again and I should start to feel much better. I can also have the bi-lateral mastectomy done once I fully recover from the chemo treatments. I will also take the tamoxifen for five years after the chemo.

As the hours go by I am feeling more comfortable with this plan. I know that it will not be easy but I have no doubt now that we are using the most aggressive plan to fight this and if I would have a recurrence somewhere down the road I won't have any regrets because I will know that I did all that I could do. I actually even started looking at wigs online and know that I want a short, spunky cut. I plan to go next week and get my hair cut to a much shorter style since I should lose all my hair by Thanksgiving. I read somewhere that you should view your hair loss as a great sign that the chemo is working - I think that is a positive way to view it.

A BIG change in plans...hang on for the ride!

Dr. B called this morning to tell me that the Oncotype dx results came in. This is the test that he told me might change his mind about treatment when we first met. My score was 80 out of 100. Anything over 30 is considered high....I felt like I got punched in the stomach when I heard 80!!!!!!!! This is a newer test that examines the genes in the tumor cell. The results should be used to determine if a patient with early stage cancer would benefit from chemotherapy. He said that the lab in CA actually called him because their results also showed that I was not ER/PR+. Based on these results he recommened that I post-pone surgery for 4 months and start chemo immediately.....The concern with the ER/PR issue is that he was planning on giving me tamoxifan after surgery for 5 years...this drug works to stop any other cancer cells that may be in the system but it works on ER/PR+ cells. He said that he was very concerned by the different ER/PR results along with the high oncotype result, and the Her2+ results. These were all making my case harder to find an easy answer on treatment. He said he discussed my case with his partners and they agreed that I should start chemo. He called Dr. Onc3 that I saw for my third opinion and she said she would not change my plans. She said that the test was for larger tumors than mine and she would stick with the original pathology info. He said that it was ultimately my decision but if it were his wife he would recommend the more agressive treatment.

My biggest concern about the chemo is the affect that it will have on my kids. I don't know how sick I will be and Jillian won't understand why I have no hair and who knows what Tyler will think about it. It just breaks my heart that my kids have to grow up with this horrible disease affecting their lives. This should be a time of innocence and instead they get this shoved in their face...it just doesn't seem fair to them. I will do whatever I have to do to beat this but I will always worry about the impact it has on them.....

Bret and I are meeting with Dr. B. at 3 to go over all of this craziness....please pray for my strength to get through this day.

Sunday update...

It's been a good week...I have been reading a lot about mastectomy recovery and that makes me a little nervous. Nothing about the surgery seems too bad but hearing about how tough the recovery can be is a little more than I expected. I am looking forward to meeting with the plastic surgeon on Friday. I have a much longer list of questions for her this time so it should be a good appointment.

Things at work have been going well. I am busy trying to wrap up as many projects as I can before I leave for surgery. Being busy definitely helps me keep my mind off having cancer....

This weekend was a perfect fall weekend. On Saturday morning Bret surprised us with a trip to the Circleville Pumpkin Fest up by Columbus. It was supposed to be the largest pumpkin fest in the country but unfortunately it turned out to just be a huge carnival....after passing up the pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin pizza, pumpkin cider and pumpkin pie we bought my favorite pumpkin roll and headed back to Cinci. Since we still had the Galberg's chimnea, we decided to invite everyone over to roast hot dogs and s'mores. It was a perfect evening for a fire...we had lots of good food with good friends. It was fun to see all the kids playing outside all evening...it reminded me of playing Hide & Seek and Kick the Can with all my neighbors on Risden Road when I was growing up...Today we went down to the Ohio River for a brunch cruise on a riverboat. It was another beautiful day and we all enjoyed spending time together.

I am so thankful that I have these few weeks before my surgery to relax and spend time with friends and family....these are days that I will cherish for a long time...here are some pics from our Dinner Club and pumpkin patch visit last week and our weenie roast and cruise this weekend. Love to all! Jan

Turning 40...

This birthday certainly turned out a lot differently than I had planned! A few months ago it was all about the big party, the jokes about getting old, etc. As I sit here at the end of the day all I can think about is how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life. So many of you let me know today that you care, and no matter how big or small the gesture what means the VERY most to me is that you are a part of my life. This disease has certainly opened my eyes and helped me see what is really important in life. I am so blessed to have each one of you in my life and I thank God for each of you. Each day I am overwhelmed by your generosity and continued concern and support. "Thank You" never seems like enough but I hope that each of you know that your support is what is helping me fight this disease today and it is what will continue to help me fight in the months ahead..... my hope and prayer is that I will always be as good a friend to all of you in return.

Things I am thankful for today: good friends, my family, healthy and happy kids, a husband that continues to put up with my crap after 15 years, the words "I love you", old friends that I am in contact with again, getting to know new friends better each day, being able to laugh again, being able to not think about having cancer for just a few minutes each day, hugs, feeling good, time out with the girls, my wonderful team of doctors, tons of wonderful birthday cards, a perfect fall day, a feeling of serenity....

What more could a girl want on her 40th Birthday!!! THANK YOU!

Surgery is scheduled!

The date for my bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction is November 6th - Election Day. The surgery coordinator said that I should expect to stay in the hospital for 23 hours unless there are complications....this way it is still considered an out patient surgery as long as I am not there for over 24 hours. I am glad to have the date set. I feel great about my decisions on doctors and feel like we are starting to move forward. I am glad to have a little time to mentally and physically prepare for the surgery. I love fall and I am thankful to have this time to enjoy with friends and family.

Last night Bret and I hosted our neighborhood's first Dinner Club of the season. We had a tailgate theme and had approximately 25-30 of our neighbors attend. It was a perfect evening and we even had a fire in the back yard (thank you Galberg's for bringing your chimnea (sp?) over the fence for us and walking the trail to gather fire wood!!). Tyler worked his first evening as a babysitter and had nothing but positive things to say about that....I think we are going to have a harder time getting him to do his chores now....he would rather get paid to babysit for the neighbors! Today the four of us went in search of the perfect carving pumpkins....it was a great day to get out so we visited a local pumpkin patch that also had all kinds of farm animals to pet and Tyler made a quick trip through the corn maze. Those were the bright spots of the weekend - the rest of the weekend has certainly been life as usual....Jillian has been very cranky all weekend. I swear that she has wined or cried at least 5 solid hours....gotta love those temper tantrums with a 4 year old!

Last Thursday I attended my first meeting at the Wellness Center. This is a great support center for people in Cinci with cancer. Genentech (drug manufacture of Herceptin) was putting on a presentation. I didn't learn anything new about the drug but they did have a woman speak that is currently taking Herceptin. She has done very well with it but her story was pretty scary since she was originally diagnosed as Stage II but they did a body scan and found several tumors and she was moved to Stage IV. That was two years ago and she seems to be doing well. I also had a chance to meet with a representative of the Pink Ribbon Girls. It is a young woman's breast cancer support group that was started here in Cinci but it is quickly growing across the nation. I have signed up for the group but I have not attended any events. The girl that I met with was so great and made me feel better about getting involved. I know that they will be a great resource and support system for me. The worst part about the night was that I had a horrible dream about my stage of cancer being changed to IV......when I woke up in the morning I felt like someone had dropped a brick on my head....I just wanted to pull the blanket over my head and hide for the day. Eventually, I got myself together and made it to work......the nights are certainly the worst and hardest times to get through. I can only hope that even that will get better with time....Love to all, Jan

The Third and FINAL Opinion

Bret and I met with Dr. Onc3 (Oncologist #3) this afternoon. Unfortunately, she only had my pathology report and not the Her2 or MRI results. She based her opinion on the information that I supplied her and she said she did agree with Dr. B that surgery and follow up hormonal treatment (tamoxifen) would be the best for me based on the fact I am stage I and the tumor size was 4mm. I had many questions about why I was not a candidate for the Herceptin if I was Her2+ and she explained that just last year the drug was approved for early stage cancer but only for large tumors at least 1 cm. I pushed her for statistics on my risk for recurrence and at first she said 95%....when I asked about the Her2+ factor she said maybe 90%.....there is just not enough info out there today since testing for Her2 is still fairly new. I asked her what "aggressive" really meant in this situation and she said that even though the test shows + which means aggressive I need to remember that the tumor was only 4mm.....okay, so I guess I will never get rid of this little gray area but I can feel better about only a 10% risk of recurrence over a ten year period. She does want to review the final reports that will be sent tomorrow and if she sees something different than what I said she would let me know. This doctor specializes in breast cancer and she seemed very confident in her decision. She answered my very long list of questions and made me feel comfortable with making my decision now.

Right before I went to this appt. Dr. B. called to tell me about the MRI. He said that he presented my case along with the MRI results to the local Tumor Board (a large group of oncologists, surgeons and radiologists) on Friday afternoon. The left breast looks completely clear which was good news. The right breast still shows some areas of concern. He said that they didn't see anything that looked invasive but there are other areas of DCIS which is most likely precancerous areas that will always be suspicious if left. He said that the board recommended that I have a mastectomy. All of the tissue that is removed will again be tested for other areas of invasive cancer. If something serious would show up in pathology we would obviously have to change plans but for right now it is time to think positive thoughts that what is left is just precancerous gunk!

Dr. B. and I spoke late in the afternoon and he said for me to contact Dr. K.s office to start making plans for the surgery. Bret and I both believe that he is the right person to oversee my treatment. I think that because he is young he still wants to learn everything that he can. I believe that my case is somewhat unique and he will always be looking for new information on my type of cancer. I don't think that you find doctors everyday that are willing to call you in the evenings to talk about test results or questions. I really believe that I am blessed to have found
a surgeon and an oncologist that really work with their patients even if that means after office hours!!!

I feel much better about everything that I learned today. I am so thankful that I caught this early and have such a good prognosis....now for my first PSA (public service announcement) All of you wonderful ladies need to make sure that you are doing your self exams and getting your mammograms as recommended. Be sure to tell your doctor about family history of cancer and for those of you with mom's and sister's that have breast cancer (yes, Vicki and Kay - I am talking about you!) there are tests that can be done to see if you carry the breast cancer gene and hormonal treatments available to you if you do! I don't ever want anyone that I love to go through this nightmare - I am encouraged by the new treatments that are being tested but cancer is a horrible disease. I read somewhere that surviving someone actually telling you that you have cancer is the worst part.... and then the recovery starts. All of you have been so supportive and you have helped me move forward in this journey, there were days that I thought I couldn't do it and then one of you would call or send a card or email that helped me just take it one step at time .....THANKS AND LOVE TO ALL!

Friday meeting with the plastic surgeon

Bret and I met with the plastic surgeon on Friday afternoon. She explained the different types of reconstruction surgery that are used after mastectomies. After we did an exam she said that I was not a good candidate for the TRAM flap procedure which is where they use your fat and stomach muscles to build new breasts...she said that too many blood vessels were cut when I had gallbladder and appendix surgery and my C-section. She recommended that I go with implants. On the same day that the breasts would be removed by Dr. K she would follow up immediately with placing expanders (kind of like empty breast implants) under the muscles of the chest. Over a period of time the implants would be expanded with saline until we reached the desired size. Adding the saline would be done during a couple visits to her office. I guess it does cause some pain because you are actually forcing the chest muscles to expand to be able to accept the implants. Once the muscles have been expanded she would then do another surgery to remove the expanders and replace them with the implants. She has performed many of these procedures and felt that I would have no problem if I decided to go this route. She has worked with Dr. K several times and said that he is a good surgeon. She said the first few weeks after the initial surgery are pretty rough and that I should expect to be home at least 6 weeks.

All of this seemed fine to me. She seemed very competent and took time to explain everything and show us pictures of what to expect after surgery.

On Monday afternoon we will meet with a new Oncologist. I feel like I am very prepared for this meeting and I know what questions I will ask about the different drugs that are available and how they work with cancer that is ER+, PR+, HER2+. From what I have researched this is pretty rare. I am confident that we can take care of the cancer that is in the breast. I am more concerned about killing any remaining cells that may be somewhere else in my body which may cause a recurrence. I know that we can not waste our time worrying about tomorrow but the decisions that I make now about my treatment will have a dramatic impact on my chances of beating this for a long time. I am just ready to move on to the next stage of this battle...you all know that I am not the most patient person and the unknown is slowly starting to drive me nuts. I just pray that this new doctor will help me understand everything and that I will be able to make a decision this week.

Coming back to work has been "good medicine" for me. The last two days have gone really well and I am amazed that there are times that I feel really "normal" and can actually forget about cancer for a few minutes. Last week I would have never believed that would have been possible. I have been trying to walk each evening and have even started riding a bike.

A big thank you to all of our dear friends in Georgia for the food from the Schwan Company - everything arrived yesterday so we have a fully stocked freezer of yummy dinners! Your generosity is greatly appreciated - I miss all you guys - I wish I could see each one of you and give you a great big hug!!!

As for appointments I will see a plastic surgeon on Friday afternoon to discuss reconstruction options and then on Monday I will see another Oncologist for her to review my results and propose her treatment plan.

Love to All....Jan

Call back from Dr. B.

Dr. B. and I talked tonight and he cleared up some confusion. Dr. B explained that when we met he did not have the FISH results from the Her2 test and I think he gave me the negative status off of the prelim. info from pathology. He said most importantly that he would not change his proposed treatment plan based on the Her2+ results. He said that he did present my case to his partners and they proposed the same plan. His concerns with what was proposed on Friday by the other Oncologist is that an aggressive treatment plan like that would only change recurrence rates by 1% on the average and his practice does not believe that a 1% improvement is worth the severe side effects that are possible with chemo and Herceptin. He also said that the FDA has not even approved Herceptin for women with node negative status and that is also is only to be used for women with a tumor greater than 1cm, mine was only 4 mm's. He said that the one thing that could change his mind about treatment is an onco dx test - results on this will be back late this week or early next. This is a recurrence risk test. If mine comes back with a high risk for recurrence he said that we should meet and discuss a more intense treatment plan. He asked if I was considering a third opinion and I told him that I was trying to set up more appts. He said he thought that was a good idea and he would like for me to call him back after I get more information. He said we should start some type of treatment within 6 weeks from the surgery and that I should get all the info I can to feel confident in my decision. It was really good to talk to him and now I feel like I am very prepared to meet with the next Oncologist.

I went back to work for a 1/2 day today before going down to Good Sam for the MRI. It was nice to see everyone at the office and they were all so sweet - they had snacks and even restaurant gift certifs. that we can use once I start treatment or have surgery. It was an emotional morning but it makes me feel so good to know that so many people are supporting us through every phase of this journey - God has blessed us with so many wonderful friends! I think back about how hard it was to move three times for my work but I have always known that the positive part of those moves is that I had the chance to meet so many great people in Indiana, Georgia and now Ohio. I thank God every day for our good friends and family!!!

Monday...back to work.

We did hear back from the surgeon and he said that the report did show Her2+. He had a different opinion on what that really meant for me and he was shocked that the Oncologist on Friday would recommend such intensive treatment plan.....now what to do???? I am going to look at getting a third opinion but I plan to call Dr. B and get an explanation from him on how he interpreted the report. I also plan to call the Oncologist back from Friday and let him know that I will not be coming back to him...

Our trip to Crawfordsville was great. It was wonderful to spend time with friends and family that we haven't seen for a while.

Today is my first day back to work. I know it will be hard to focus with all of this going on but I am hoping that once I get back in the swing of things it will make life seem "almost" normal again.

Friday Appointments - Good news...Bad News..

First the good news - uterus biopsy came back fine...just waiting to look over ultrasound.

The afternoon appt. with the 2nd Oncologist was horrible. He was running over an hour late and did not have a good bed side manner at all. He was older and yet my first impression was that he had never read a path report before. He kept shuffling the reports and saying that they were very unorganized. Once we got through the history he told me that my report showed that I was Her2- status. I didn't bring this up from the other appt. because Dr. B said that I was Her2+. This positive or negative status is pretty complicated but (-) typically means that the cancer is more aggressive, doesn't respond as well to treatments like chemo, and has a higher risk for recurrence. When he told me I was negative I told him I was confused because Dr. B had told us I was positive status. He looked back over the report and said that it was negative. He went on to say that he recommended 4 rounds of chemo given every three weeks. After those 3 months of treatments I would go to the clinic every week for an injection of Taxol and this would last for 3 months. I would then take Herceptin for 1 year, this is not chemo but it is given through IV...it would be 52 weekly treatments....after that I would move on to Tamoxifen for 5 years. He thought mastectomy would be a good idea for the breast with cancer and just didn't want to talk about both...If I do mastectomy it would be after the first 6 months of treatments. If you read the Wednesday blog you will see that this is a VERY different approach compared to what Dr. B suggested. I was shocked by all of this and very upset because I knew from my research that Her2 - status is not good. I just wanted to run out and get away from this guy with the horrible breath and terrible bed side manner. He wanted to have some blood drawn for lab work and he also ordered PET scan, bone scan and something called a MUGGA (I think)....most of them will be looking for cancer in other areas such as bone, brain, etc. He wants me to come back on the 9th and start chemo on the 16th of October at the latest.

I was a wreck when we left....I just could not believe that two docs read the report two different ways. Bret decided to have Dr. K. (surgeon) paged to see if he could help. He called back within a few minutes and said that he would call the hospital in the morning and see if he could find someone to read the report to him and call us back.

Needless to say, I have been a wreck all evening. I know I should not let this get me down until we know for sure what the results are but I have just been feeling so positive about beating this thing since we met with Dr. B.

I am praying that this guy read the report wrong but you would hope that someone that makes $250,000.00 a year would be able to read a pathology report. 18 months of treatment is a long time and all except for the tamoxifen seem to have some pretty rough side effects. I need to stop reading about any of this until we know more.

We are leaving for Crawfordsville in the morning so I may not have a chance to update this until Sunday evening. Sorry for not wanting to talk on the phone tonight but I am just so tired of this whole thing and too emotional to talk to anyone......

Please say a prayer for us....

Wednesay Appointments..

My afternoon of appointments certainly had it's ups and downs. Our first appt. was with the oncologist and that went very well. The doctor had a very good bed side manner (actually talked to us while letting me wear my clothes instead of a paper gown) and everyone in the office went out of their way to be helpful and pleasant. We recorded our entire conversation and he was very good about explaining what type of cancer that I have and he presented my options. The easiest route would be several weeks of radiation five days a week. He explained that these are very quick appts, I guess it actually takes longer to get undressed and re-dressed than it does to get "zapped"...after I complete the radiation I would take the drug Tamoxifen for 5 years and if I stay cancer free that would be it....The most agressive plan would be a bilateral masectomy and reconstruction. This improves my chances of reoccurence in my breasts by a few percentage points but it also eliminates the worry of breast cancer reoccurence. I would also take Tamoxifen with this plan to fight off any dormant cancer cells that may exist anywhere else in my body that are driven by estrogen. He feels that I have a very good chance of beating this, it really just depends on how much worry I can handle after the treatment......you all know how good I am at worrying!!!! He thought it was great that we were getting a second opinion and he did go ahead and order a genetic screening for the tissue that was removed during surgery. This is a new study going on across the nation that tries to factor reoccurence based on a select group of genes. He also ordered a breast MRI so that we can look closer at both breasts and the pre-cancerous calcifications that the surgeon mentioned. The Oncologist suggested that I make an appt. with the plastic surgeon that specializes in breast reconstruction so I can better understand the different procedures that are available.

From that appointment we went straight over to see the Gyn. She and I spoke earlier in the week and she wanted me to stop taking Proverra immediately because my type of cancer is fed by estrogen and she wanted to do an exam since I have had unusual spotting for the last several weeks. Once we reviewed what had been going on she decided that she wanted to do a biopsy of my uterus.....kind of a painful procedure that causes a lot of cramping afterward. I asked her is she was looking for cancer and her answer was "not necessarily".....I thought - my God, how much more of this can I take!!!!! We also talked about a couple surgery options if we can't control the bleeding but I think we can hold off on that for a while so we can deal with everything else. She ordered an ultrasound which will be done on Friday and we should have the biopsy results also on Friday.

Needless to say, I got in the car for the drive home and felt completely overwhelmed and exhausted. As soon as we got home I ate a big, fat chunk of Maggiano's Choclolate Creme cake, put on my PJs and retreated to my comfy bed. I was D-O-N-E for the day.

Please pray with us that all these tests come back with good results........

Here's a quote I liked (and need to learn to live by)...hope you like it.

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles----it empties today of its strength.
Author Unknown

"Appointment Day!

This afternoon we will meet with the first Oncologist to get his suggestions on a treatment plan. I went out and bought a new recorder that we can hopefully use when we meet with him. I also bought a new notebook and fabulous tote bag to carry everything in. I think of it as my "Cancer Kit." The bag is bright orange and the notebook is a variety of "cheery" colors - I guess that was my "retail therapy" for today. After we meet with the Oncologist we have to run over to meet with my Gyn. to go over some concerns with her. On Friday we will meet with another Oncologist to get his suggestions. I was amazed that we were able to get all these appts. this week. I was even able to get into the dentist yesterday (I read that you should have your teeth taken care of before starting treatment).

To all our friends in Georgia - Annie and Jamie filled me in on the "trouble" with the Schwan (sp?) food that you guys were trying to have delivered to us this week. I am sorry that things are not going smoothly but if anyone can get a resolution Jamie will do it....if not, maybe you should just all plan to get together at Jamie and Jay's for a fabulous dinner!!! The food delivery is a wonderful idea - I can't tell you how much we have appreciated people bringing in meals. My poor kids have been deprived though.....they have not had a meal from Mc'Ds in almost TWO WEEKS....yeah, we do eat a lot of fast food....not something I am proud of but you gotta do what you gotta do, right????

I will try to do an update this evening after my appointments....I need to get back to studying to be prepared for this first round of appointments.....

Thanks for all the calls, emails, prayers, etc. Yesterday was kind of a "blue" day for me and every time I read an email or open a card I remember what a gift each day is and how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life!!!

Good news from Dr. K. today!

Bret and I met with Dr. Kerlakian today. He reviewed the results of the path. report. The area that was removed was 4 cm of pre-cancerous calcifications. The area that actually contained cancer was only 2 mm. Based on this, I'm in Stage I. I was thrilled with this because I was so concerned by both radiologists being so concerned because the area was so large. My next step is to meet with 2 onconogists to discuss treatment options. The easiast route would be radiation and maybe chemo. The more intensive option would be a bi-lateral masectomy with reconstruction.

Dr. K. explained that I am in a unique situation due to my age (39...at least for a few more weeks). Pre-menopausal, young women only make up 5% of the breast cancer patients today. Our cancer tends to be more aggressive and if/when we have a re-occurence it tends to be more invasive (has spread further and more difficult to treat). If I go the rads/chemo route I will have to worry about re-ocurrence in both breasts. If I choose the masectomy I would know that we took the most aggressive option and that my cure rate could be as high as 98-99%.

This was a lot to take in but luckily I did a lot of studying until 2 am this morning. I already knew that my age was a negative factor in this situation. It is overwhelming how much you need to learn to make good decisions....I feel like I am in med school....

As for right now, I am just thrilled with the Stage I diagnosis and I am open to learning about all options to give me the best outcome! (It's kind of crazy to see myself write that I am happy about Stage I cancer...two weeks ago this would have seemed impossible for me to handle). If masectomy is the option chosen, I really think I would be okay....I even wanted the surgeon to tell me he would do a masectomy last week if he saw something worse than what he expected....obviously, that was not an option but at this point, I want to do whatever it takes to get this cancer completely out of my body----I have too many great reasons to live!!!

For those of you that know Bret well, you will appreciate this....after discussing masectomies and I told him that I want to investigate it, he asked me if I was planning on going to Double D's!!!! Gotta love him!!!

Thanks to all for your constant prayers and support - they really keep me going!!

Sunday Update....

When I woke up this morning I had dreamed about having cancer for the first time. For a few moments after I woke up I thought that maybe it had all been a horrible dream but as I rolled over and felt my incisions I knew that it was real. For the first time since we learned about the cancer I had such a hard time falling asleep last night, I guess it was my time to have a pity party for myself. I guess it was time for another good cry..........I just don't know how to get back to normal life.....I don't want to live every day worrying about this disease and being afraid that every ache or pain is cancer in a new area of my body. I worried about how this will affect my kids lives. Jillian at this point has no idea what is going on but I know someday she will have to learn about Mommy having cancer. Tyler seems to be doing great but I am afraid that he is just trying to be strong. As a parent you want to protect your kids from pain and I know that this disease will cause them pain. I got out of the house for the first time yesterday and went to Borders to get some books about breast cancer. It felt good to get out but it also made our situation more real. Life was moving on all around me but I felt like I had been tucked away in my little cocoon all week and now I was supposed to get out and act like everything was just fine.......hard to explain but it just seemed like I was watching a movie of someone else's life.

Bret has been taking great care of all of us but I know this has to be hard on him. I have a lot of anxiety about meeting with the doctor and getting the "prognosis." I know that I should not get hung up on statistics but how can you not?????? After meeting with the surgeon tomorrow I want to get two opinions on what my treatment plan should be. I would like to get a lot of this accomplished before going back to work..........I just can't imagine going back to work and trying to focus on work while I have decisions to make about beating this disease. I know it will be good for me to get back to work but I know it will be hard.

I am so thankful Annie and Tim were able to stop for a quick visit (see the pics that Bret added below). I loved meeting little Ben for the first time. It was wonderful to hold him and think about all the opportunities that life can offer him. It was nice to have the house full of noise with a baby crying and two little girls running in two different directions. I hated to see Annie leave, we have been friends for many years, I miss her already......

I feel like we can not thank people enough for all that they have done for us this week....no words seem to be enough........I can only hope that you all know that we genuinely appreciate every kind gesture no matter how big or small! Keep those prayers coming!

Saturday Update

Jan's feeling so much better today. Our good friends from Georgia, Tim and Annie Sears (along with their 8 week old son Ben and daughter Izzy), stopped to visit last night and today. It was nice to see Jan getting back to herself, laughing and enjoying someones company and conversation. Of course, she's been couped up here for a few days, so she decided to go for a short drive this afternoon. We continue to get well wishes, prayers, cards, flowers and gifts for which we can not thank everyone enough. Without the support of our friends, great neighbors and family, this entire ordeal would have been much more stressful and difficult than it already was. As I was discussing with someone yesterday, you don't realize how many people you know and have built relationships and networks with that truly come to your aid in times of need. It's simply been overwhelming. Thank you all so much,

Bret

Prayers have been answered!!

Bret talked to the doctor and we got great news. They confirmed that the lymph nodes were clear and that the area that was removed had a cancer free perimeter which meant that they did remove the entire area that contained cancer. We will meet with the surgeon on Monday afternoon and talk about treatment options.

This is the best news that we could have received. I believe that God has heard all of our prayers and I thank each and every one of you for praying with us all week. You have given Bret and I the strength to get up each day and move forward. The waiting was horrible but I have never felt so much love and support as I did this week. We are so blessed to have each and every one of you in our lives!

I am feeling really good today....very little pain and getting more energy back all the time. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest and I can finally breathe again. This whole experience has been the wake up call that we all hear about but we hope we never receive.....life is a precious gift that should never be taken for granted, be thankful for every day and be thankful for your friends and family.......Lots of Love to ALL OF YOU!!!!! Jan and Bret

Thursday Night Update

We did not get a call from the doctor today....hopefully we will hear something in the morning. Today was kind of rough. I woke up in a lot of pain in the middle of the night and finally decided to go from 1 pain pill to 2. That knocked me out for most of the day. The pain was much better but I had an upset stomach most of the afternoon. I guess that was from the higher dosage.....I know tomorrow will be better. Thanks for your continued prayers and well wishes.

Thursday Prayer Request

Thanks to all of you who have been praying for us. I firmly believe that God is answering our prayers. I am nervous to hear back about the results from pathology. I hope that we will hear something today. I am still afraid of what we might learn. I keep thinking about the day of surgery and the radiologist changed the doctors plans after he reviewed the mammogram. He said the area was too big to just do the lumpectomy and that is why they didn't insert the needles before surgery. I wasn't planning on chest x-rays or body scans to also happen that day so that also scares me that they were looking for cancer in other areas. It is just so terrifying....I guess it is just the fear of the unknown and the waiting is horrible. I was reading about a woman who beat cancer many years ago and she said one of the things that helped her the most was when a friend prayed for God to take away her fear.....she said that prayer worked and she was able to stop living in fear of the unknown. So many of you have asked what you can do to help and today I would ask that you pray to God to take away my fear.

I feel so blessed to have all of you in my life. Our family is lucky to have all of your love and support.

Wednesday update

Thanks so much to all of you for your prayers - I know they are working. I was so thankful to hear that the lymph nodes looked clear....now we just need to wait on pathology to confirm that and get a firm diagnosis. Your cards, gifts, meals and well wishes certainly lift my spirits. We are so blessed to have all of you in our lives.....

I am feeling really good today. Very little pain. My family just left to head back up North so I am getting ready for a nap.

I will write more later when my head is a little clearer....pain meds are a good thing! Love to All---Jan

Jan - surgery update

Here is an update I got from Bret today at 2:33PM

Done, things look good and promising. I don't know much more but she should be awake in a little bit. Quicker surgery than we anticipated...doc said lymphnodes looked good too. We'll have all lab results in 2-3 days.

The night before surgery...

Thank you so much to all of you for all your kind words today by email, blog and phone. I tried to get everyone called back but ran out of time. I am completely overwhelmed by the love and generosity being shown to us from all over. It is times like this that you realize what is really important in life ----friends and family. Several of you brought food over tonight and it all was great - maybe I won't be too hungry going without food all day tomorrow after eating so much tonight. Thanks for thinking of us. It is such a relief to know that the kids will be well taken care of tomorrow and so many of you have also offered to help.

I am nervous about tomorrow but I am also ready to move forward and find out what we are dealing with.........whatever it is I am thankful to have all of your support and I know that we can continue to count on you during this journey.............

Monday Update

Jan spoke to the surgical assistant this morning and confirmed several things. The surgery is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon at 1. Because of the later surgery time, we will do pre-op in the morning rather than today. Jan's Mom, Dad and Sister are coming in this evening. The surgery will be an outpatient surgery, so please, do not send flowers to the hospital. Jan is in good spirits and has high hopes. Tyler is basically normal mode as we have played this low key with him and Jillian doesn't have a clue. We will only know a few things right after surgery, such as how invasive it is and if it has spread to her lymphnodes or not. The surgery may last 4 hrs. plus from our understanding. The oncology report and prognosis may not come for a few days until they get all the lab work back from the tumor and lymphnodes removed during surgery. In essence, we know she has it, we know there will be a lumpectamy and one or two lymphnodes removed tomorrow and that's about it. Thank you all in advance for your prayers and thoughts.

Bret

September 14th.....not a good day for me!

Friday morning started off great. The weather in Cinci was great and it was the last day of the work week. I buzzed downtown with no trouble to make a quick visit to Group Health for a mammogram. I had seen my GYN on Thursday to ask about a lump I found the previous weekend. He was not concerned at all but said just to be safe we should do a mammo. Since he wasn't concerned I wasn't because I had my last mammogram in January and everything looked good.



After the tech finished squishing me every way possible with the machine she told me the Radiologist wanted to talk with me.....I knew that wasn't normal but still thought we would chat and I would head on to work. As I walked in his small dark room I heard him take a long breath and give me a very concerned look.....I thought I was going to get sick. He went on to talk about how concerned he was by what he saw and that I should see a surgeon immediately. He went on and on about mastectomies and treatments but it was all too confusing now and I could not focus on what he was saying......I just kept thinking "I cannot believe this nice young man is telling me that he thinks I have cancer!" I wanted to get up and run but instead I sat there and cried as he continued to talk. Once he finished they were able to get me an immediate appointment with the surgeon who conveniently had an office right up stairs. I called Bret and told him to get there immediately.....



The nurses were very sweet and they moved me into a small room to make some calls....all of a sudden I couldn't breathe and my hands started to tingle....I knew I was going to pass out. The ladies let me lay down on an x-ray table and brought me a cool cloth. I settled down and started to make more calls. Once I covered work and family I called Annie and told her to talk me through this......she was an angel and kept me on the phone and told me that she knew I was going to be okay.



After getting lost Bret finally came in and we rushed up to meet Dr. Karlakian. After reviewing the films he came in to do an exam. He was the bright spot of the morning because he told us he did not believe the lump was cancer but he would do a needle biopsy just to be sure. He said he would rush it through the lab so we would have the results that evening. I left his office feeling much better and thinking that I really might be okay. We just needed those results to come back showing no cancer.



I called everyone back on my way home and gave them the hopeful news and promised to call them back as soon as we knew something.



My sister Kay arrived that afternoon to help out for the weekend. Then Dr. K finally called and said the test came back showing that I had cancer......I felt like my world was spinning out of control but I knew I had to get myself together and move forward. Kay left with the kids so Bret and I could make calls.......those were horrible calls to make but I have never felt so much love from so many people. We are so very blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives who just wanted to so something for us.........I asked them to pray for all of us.........we are going to need it.

I found that staying busy is the best medicine. We have done lots of little projects around the house this weekend and Kay and I had some great "bonding" time together. The weekend has been filled with lots of phone calls and emails of support that keep my spirits up.

I am feeling optimistic but also terrified. I just want to know exactly what we are dealing with. I will find out Monday if they can fit me in for surgery on Tuesday and we should know all the facts by Friday.

I want to be a breast cancer survivor. I have donated my time and money for many years to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation because I believed it was a great cause and when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001 it became even more important for me to try to help....I just never wanted to be the person that they were trying to help........

There are so many other things in my head but I think this is enough for now.......I keep thinking I will wake up and this will just be a horrible dream. That would be nice and I know that it would certainly be a wake up call to always remember the important things in life. Every day is a gift!