One more round with the red devil...

Today is Friday and like my other treatments I am feeling okay. The Emend definetely makes me more tired so I have slept more the last two days. So, what is the red devil???? That is a term that patients use to describe part of the meds that are given during a chemo treatment. Most of the meds drip from a bag into your vein but at some time during the treatment the nurse comes over with two large syringes that are full of what looks like cherry kool aid. From what I have read this stuff is pretty toxic so that is why they have to "push" it in by hand so that they are there to monitor you the entire time. I am pretty sure that this part is only given during the AC part of my treatment plan so I am hoping that I only have to see the "red devil" one more time.

I am hoping that Saturday and Sunday will be much better because of the new meds...thanks for your constant thoughts and prayers!!

Count down to number 3

I can tell I am getting more nervous about the next treatment as it gets closer. #2 was so bad and the memories of being sick are still too fresh in my mind. I have heard from many women in my online support group that the best med out there for nausea is called Emend so I called and asked for it. I heard back from the nurse that he is planning to give it to me so that makes me feel a little better. I am also glad that I only have 2 more treatments of AC because from everything that I have read the last 4 treatments of Taxol should not make me as sick. It sounds like I will continue to feel even more fatigue and find it harder to bounce back but not as many people get sick with the taxol...something to look forward to!

Our Thanksgiving was nice. We had a nice dinner and took the kids to Gameworks. Since I have been having so much trouble sleeping I actually went out shopping at 3:30 on Friday...I had been awake since a little after 2 so I decided I might as well....it was snowing that morning so it definetely felt like Christmas. The wigs are still uncomfortable but I did get the nerve to go out with just a scarf on a couple times this weekend. I hate the way I look but it is so much more comfortable. Since I was looking for bargains I didn't pay much attention to the people around me so I don't know how they were looking at me....hopefully I will get more comfortable over time going out with a hat or a scarf.

Please say a prayer for us that this treatment goes better....it really is hard on the whole family when I am sick. Love to All!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

A lot of you have asked for a pic of me in the wig so here you go! I haven't worn the longer style yet so maybe we will do a new pic next week. I was very nervous about wearing it on Monday but everyone at work has been so great. Some people think I just got a haircut so that makes me feel good knowing that it must not look too fake. It doesn't feel great to wear but I am hoping with time it will get more comfortable and I hope that I will be more comfortable with the idea of going out with just a hat or scarf on...I think cutting off my hair over a couple days and being completely drugged up helped me get thru that trauma but it is still so hard to even look in the mirror...it just seems like a stranger looking back at me. I can only hope that it will get easier to cope with over time. It is so sad that this is a side affect of the chemo....when you see it in the movies it always seems so horrible but living thru is one of the worst things I have ever had to deal with. I really don't consider myself a very vain person but as women we are expected to have hair and now I don't. If you go out with just a hat or scarf you get that horrible sympathetic look that you are dying (haven't tried this yet but I have read about it over and over). I just wish that no other woman would have to go thru this.....it's just something that is hard to explain.... The kids seemed to do ok when they first saw me. Jillian kind of thought it was silly but instantly wanted to know when I would get my hair back. Tyler just looked and didn't say much. I think the difference is that he understands that I have a serious disease and Jillian doesn't really know what is going on.

For Thanksgiving Bret's Dad and Nancy are coming to visit. We are planning to go out to eat and then take the kids to Gameworks to hang out for the evening. It's hard not to do the whole traditional Thanksgiving thing but this is what works best for us this year...Tyler seemed disappointed that we would not be eating at home but when I told him about Gameworks that perked him up. I worry that these are the things that he will remember about me being sick and that makes me sad....

On a happier note....this is the time of the year that we are supposed to take time out to think about all the things that we are thankful for. Since my diagnosis it seems like I list these things in my prayers to God each day but I wanted to share them with you. I know Bret and I have expressed our thanks to all of you so many times and it just never seems like enough. It's been over two months since I found out about having cancer and each day I am still overwhelmed by the love that has surrounded us during our time of need. Monday was a really tough day emotionally and physically and it was so nice to get home and have some very sweet gifts arrive in the mail - you know who you are and your timing just could not have been better - your thoughts really brightened my day. Tonight we had another great meal delivered....all of you that are pitching in on the meals are just so generous and caring. So I just have to say thank you again for the cards, calls, emails, text messages, blog posts and all the other things you all do to keep my spirits up on the darkest of days.....here is my list of what I am thankful for this year -

INCREDIBLE Family & Friends!!!!!
My friends at work who just seem to know when I need a big hug
A loving God that continues to give me strength to get through each day
The many people that are praying for me that I don't even know (church prayer lists)
My new on-line friends that started chemo in November with me
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (it's on right now...one of my all time faves!)
Being able to laugh at myself
A beautiful November day (it was sunny and warm today...the leaves looked so pretty)
HOPE
The words "I Love You!"
A hubby that takes such good care of me!

I hope that each of you know what a gift you are to us....I hope that you and your families have a very blessed Thanksgiving....please take just a moment and remember all the things (big and small) that you are thankful for...it will put a smile on your face! Love to All!

weekend update..

Things didn't go well this weekend. I was very sick all night Sat into Sun. We called the doc early Sunday and the on call doctor said to go to the hospital if we thought I was getting dehydrated...we decided to wait a while and eventually I stopped getting sick and kept fluids in. The hair is completely gone...
CANCER SUCKS!

Middleton's Barber Shop is Open for Business!

My hair is continuing to fall out by the hand fulls so after we got the kids off to school we put a sheet down in the bathroom floor and starting cutting. I did most of the front and Bret cut off the back and then added more layers throughout. I wasn't able to style it much because every time you touch it more comes out....I thought this would be a good thing to have for a few days to give the kids some time to get used to my changing styles. I showed Jillian a pic of a little girl kissing her Mom who was bald and she got pretty upset and just kept asking me why I had to take the meds and when my normal hair will come back....hopefully, this will get easier on her as time passes.

I am feeling okay after treatment yesterday. Kind of loopy but able to function. Fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow.

Give us a call if you need a haircut---we have reasonable rates!!!

Two down, six to go!

We just got home from chemo number 2 and everything went fine. We met with Dr. B to review how the first treatment went and he gave me some new meds to try to prevent the nausea. My blood work came back fine so we were able to go ahead with the treatment and that went just fine. I am not as tired as I was after the first treatment and I feel fine.

When I got up this morning I was shocked to see how fast my hair is coming out. When I put shampoo in my hair I pulled out handfulls one after another. I just pulled it back with a headband today and tried to leave it alone. Bret and I will cut all of it or most of it tomorrow so I can work with the wigs a little this weekend. Everyone at work knows what is going on so I know they will be very supportive when I come into work with my new wig on next week.

I am going to take advantage of these next few days to catch up on my rest. The agent training that we did this week went perfect but I know that I worked way too many hours. We don't have anything else planned like this in the near future so I can just settle back in to my normal routine.

I appreciate everyone's support this week....I dread the idea of looking in mirror and seeing myself bald but so many of you have called or emailed to tell me that you love me with hair or without hair and that is what I have to keep telling myself...I thank God for your continued support!!! THANKS!!

I think the hair will fall out soon....

It has been a crazy week! I have been working long hours at work for this training session but today is the last day! I was pretty frustrated last night on my way home because I felt so tired and sick....I was so mad that this disease can take so much away. I got home and fell into bed only to wake up at 4 am with my scalp hurting....this is typically your warning sign that it's time for your hair to start falling out. I went ahead and got up and got into the shower and I could tell that it has started. I am thankful that I kept it through the training session but it is still hard to imagine that sometime soon all of my hair will be gone. I cry as I write this because in the big picture it seems silly to be upset over something like hair and I felt like I was ready for it to happen but now that it has started it is just hard to accept. I know I am also getting stressed about chemo tomorrow, it just sucks to know in advance that you will lose three or four days because you can't function. I guess I am just tired and it makes things seem worse but luckily my 23 reps along with all the regional sales managers will be in soon and it will be time to get up in front of them for the day and do the training....it will be a good distraction.....

Wigs are ready and waiting...

We had a great weekend and accomplished a lot! I had lots of energy all weekend. My sister came down for the weekend so we all went to pick out a wig Saturday. That went very well and we ended up with a short one and a medium length one. I am glad she was there because the kids wanted me to get a wig that looks exactly like my hair (not easy to find) and Bret wants me to go crazy and get something like long, straight and blonde...I worried how the kids would do and Jillian was a little upset once we put the first one on but once she could feel it and knew that my hair would be back someday she seemed better. Both kids liked the foam wig heads so we bought two of those which they later proceeded to color with crazy hair, mustaches, lots of make up, etc.

After that Kay and I were able to get a little x-mas shopping done and that evening she and Bret and I went to dinner and to Go Bananas comedy club. It was a fun evening and we all know laughter is good medicine! Yesterday I met a group of girls at a spa for pedicures which was a wonderful thing to do on a rainy day and then I came in to work for a couple hours to finalize last minute details for our upcoming training.

It will be a very busy week but it will help keep my mind off of chemo on Thursday....I just really hope we can do something different to keep me from getting so sick.. LOVE TO ALL!!!

7 days later I finally feel like me!!

I guess I didn't realize how tired I really have been this past week until I woke up this morning feeling so good. I woke up an hour before the alarm and even made it into work an hour early. I remember walking down the hallway thinking "hey, I am walking fast again...just like the old me!" I didn't take any breaks to lay down and now it's 8:00 pm and I am still going strong! The tube from the port has been bothering me so I plan to talk to Dr. K's nurse tomorrow. I don't really have much else to report...things are pretty crazy at work...we have almost 30 new reps coming in for training next week. This is the first time we have ever attempted to do a training this big and I am trying to coordinate everything...my biggest fear is that I will wake up Tuesday and all my hair will fall out....I am the first presenter of the day so I really don't want to walk in with a wig on that day....oh well, worrying won't change anything....let's just keep our fingers crossed that my red curls will hang on a few more days!

Stronger each day...

I was able to come back to work yesterday. I brought a sleeping bag, pillow and blanket and took a little rest just after lunch. I was able to close my blinds and shut the door to my office and re-energize! I was finally able to start eating again and can tell that I am getting stronger each day. Everyone at work was great my first day back after chemo. A couple of the girls had brought in small gifts for me and I had lots of hugs to welcome me back...I am very blessed to have so many supportive people in my life!!

Surviving round 1!

Wow - it has been a tough few days but things are looking up. Saturday was pretty rotten. All I can remember is sleeping, throwing up and crying in between. Looks like we need to ask for a new "anti-nausea cocktail" at the next chemo party to keep me from getting sick.... The worst part is trying to do what you know you should do which is eat and drink when you feel like crap. I thought I did pretty good with fluids yesterday but Bret said I needed to do better. Today nothing sounds good but I am just a little nauseaus. Bret and the kids went to the neighborhood Bengals party and I hung out with my Mom and Dad. I was glad to see them get out of the house and do something more fun than watch me sleep! I finally decided that a milkshake sounded okay so we took a little drive to UDF. I was able to drink a little of the milkshake and it made the pain in my stomach go away. Since Friday it has just felt like I swallowed a brick. I had a few more bites of ice cream this evening and I think that is going to be all for today....hopefully tomorrow I can start working on the proteins and other good things to help build back my white blood cells. When I think about doing this 7 more times I can tell that I get very anxious...yesterday I tried to tell myself to visualize a war between the cancer cells and the white blood cells going on in my body...I kept saying that it felt so bad because the good cells were kicking some cancer butt!!

Bret and Tyler took great care of me. Tyler came and laid down with me this morning and it just made me so sad to look into his eyes and to see how concerned he was ...a 12 yr. old should not have to live through something like this but I am very proud of him for being so compassionate, patient and caring. I had hoped to get out of the house to do more wig shopping so let's hope the hair hangs in there until late next week.....thanks to everyone for praying for me this weekend to get through this first round...we can always hope the next one will be a little better.

1 down 7 to go!

Bret and I just got back from getting my "booster" shot for my white blood cells. They said the shot could cause severe bone pain and nausea. I have felt okay today, just very tired so I have spent the most of the day in bed. I did get out for a few minutes to pick up drugs for constipation, dry mouth, mouth sores, etc. These are the wonderful side effects that can come along with the chemo injections along with fatique and nausea and numb fingers and toes. The injection yesterday was no problem. I think taking the Ativan in advance helped me settle down. A nurse met with us first to go over all the different types of meds and possible side effects. After that a new nurse came to get me all hooked up. The port worked great and I didn't even feel any pain when she first accessed it. The entire staff there is very funny - I am sure Bret will be giving them all a hard time very soon and they will be giving it right back. I am thankful that I have not had any nausea yet but the lack of energy is a little worse than I expected. I find that I am also stumbling around and bumping into things which is kind of crazy. I have no appetite at all but Bret is making sure that I am eating. I have been pretty good to keep my fluids going because I read that the more you drink the quicker you can flush all the drugs out of your system.

Thanks to everyone for your constant prayers and emails of encouragement...I look forward to them every day. Your continued generoisty and caring never ceases to amaze me and makes me realize how blessed I truly am!

First Day of Chemo

Jan came through the day like a trooper! Once again, we know she picked the right place when we walked through the door. Everyone made her feel at home and as comfortable as possible. With fuzzy blanky, gatorade, water, ice chips, ice pack, drinkning straws, the cancer bag and me in tow, she found the comfy blue chairs and waited for things to begin. They first educated us on side effects, gave us additional information concerning Jan's particular treatment regime and talked mostly about nausea and different things she could take if it becomes an issue. They took blood to test, asked her twice if she were pregnant(not sure why) and proceded with the hook up. They started with the red devil (the one that knocks you on your ass from what they say) and then completed with the second one (sorry, I don't know the names of them except A and C or AC) The nurses kept a close eye on her. She had taken something about an hour prior to the treatment (yes, it was prescribed) to "take the edge off". It may very well help with the nausea too. When we got in the car, she snoozed most of the way home, except when I kept asking her if she was ok and if she was feeling sick or if she had a headache or if she had to drive, could she......that was a big NO! WE got home, she popped another "take the edge off" and went to bed. Haven't seen her since! The hard part may come in the next day or two. We'll have to see. I can't say enough about how proud of her I was today. She is an amazing woman.

BTW - all of you freinds and neighbors that are getting together and providing us with 2 meals a week for the next 16 weeks?? I read the e-mail from Penny.....I can't believe what you are doing for us! Talk about making a grown man cry. You are all amazing. A big ole thank you to Heather for helping with Jillian as well. You are all a blessing and we value your love and support.

I'm sure Jan will fill in the blanks for you tomorrow!

One final note - talk about a great doctor, Dr. B just called me to see how she was doing. You don't find too many doctors to call you at 8 pm just to check on you.....

Sweet dreams