Well, I am in complete meltdown mode tonight and not really sure why. I know you are all probably thinking "Jillian" but she was perfect tonight....even laid with me in bed and rubbed my head while I tried to hide my tears from her.
I have cried more tonight than I have in so many months. All the girls in my online group would talk about crying almost every day because they were scared, tired, mad, sad, etc. and I kind of thought it was odd that I wasn't crying...heck, I used to cry during Hallmark commercials and now I have cancer but I don't cry about it...was I putting on a fake smile and just holding it all in...how are you supposed to figure that one out???
It all started with some emails I did tonight for work and one of them just pushed me over the edge. Going back to work has just been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I get so tired and try to run home at lunch and lay down for just a few minutes. Things really were in "ok" shape when I returned to work but I am really struggling with the "stress" of work and I don't know why now is any different. It's still lighting... I've done it for over 22 years...I don't have any big projects closing in on deadlines but since I went back there last week I just instantly felt completely stressed out. I wanted to walk in there and have everyone be amazed at how happy and perky and healthy I looked...the last 8 months I have always wanted to look like I was just fine. Part of working in an office is dealing with all personality types and I know I completely put myself out there and that's why I get my feelings hurt but there are just some people that can just make me insane.
So why am I still crying hours later...the sleeping pill isn't even working tonight. In a way I think I saw this coming this week. I have felt bad each day and I am just pissed that I cannot get my energy back.....add in a few bad situations with work and it seemed to cause the "perfect storm" for me tonight. Am I being more sensitive to work situations because of "my health" or my "mental state"??? If I am that just pisses me off even more.....I AM OVER IT AND I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK......THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE SOME GUY LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID THE WORD CANCER!!!
3 comments:
O.K., meltdowns are allowed. The key is getting yourself out of them because as much as we want to, we can't do this for you! I know you feel like you have been fighting FOREVER, but it has been 8 months out of your life and you CAN get back to where you were before all of this. You have come a long way Jan, further and stronger than many could have so you keep fighting, crying, being pissed, and whatever you need to feel to get your old life back!
We ALL love you,
Kay
I agree with Kay. You are allowed to take some "me" time and get emotional...whatever it takes to fight and reclaim your life.
The downside is there will always be at least one personality at work that sends you over the edge (this happens whether or not you have cancer). The upside is that fortunately, YOU don't have that same personality type and can at least go home to a great family....that jerk at work will probably always have that personality flaw. Turn it into a game....guess how long it'll take before he/she says something really stupid (and you know he will). Then revel when you guess correctly!
Keep it up kiddo. We all know you can do this!
Karen
Jan, you are a completely different person than you were 8 months ago. You have survived a life-threatening illness and have had to evolve in order to do that. You can not be expected to immediately pick up everything exactly where you left it when that guy looked into your eyes and said the word "cancer".
Take it slower. Try part-time. Or consider that maybe your job isn't your passion anymore. You have so so much to offer. Maybe there is some other way to contribute. Like helping other woman make it through their own fight with cancer.
Hang in there. The weekend is almost here.
Take care!
Libby
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