Just in a funk....

Not sure what this crappy mood is about but right now I am just blaming it on the meds...

Anyway, Vegas was good. It was tiring from a work standpoint but it was so great to see so many people that I have worked with in the past...some knew about my "situation" and others didn't. The ones that didn't would say "hey, love your new hair style.." and I would say "it's a wig..blah, blah, blah". Once I was done working on Friday afternoon I moved to the Paris hotel....I had a wonderful room overlooking the pool...I had room service for breakfast on Saturday, then I went and got a fantastic pedicure and that afternoon I went to see the musical "Menopause". It sounds kind of odd but I wanted to see if I was losing my mind and what I learned is I am probably not...it is just menopause!! On Friday afternoon I took my wig off and went "uncovered" for the rest of the weekend. I absolutely hate the way I look but it is so much more comfortable. I noticed some people giving me strange looks or staring and I honestly just wanted to go up and grab them and scream "are you nuts?? Do you think I made a choice to look like this? Have you ever seen someone that has gone thru chemo or have you been living under a rock your whole life?!!" Instead I would just stare right back...that is one thing that is definetely different about me....I would have never done that a year ago and now I find myself giving the "stare" right back. Oh yeah, over the five days that I was there I also lost a lot of money in the slot machines...trying to forget about that...come on chemo brain...

Went to get another fill on the "foobs" Monday. During the appt. I learned that I was really only getting 50 cc's per fill...no wonder they looked so small. Not sure how the "wires got crossed" but she will start doing 100 next week if I want to...she also wanted to talk about my exchange surgery. I guess I gave her the impression I wanted to rush things so she said let's do it at the end of August b4 she has the baby...I said ok and it was scheduled. All afternoon I could tell that I was stressing out about it and feeling way too rushed. I called back today and talked with the secretary and we moved it to the first week of November.

I think my chest kind of looks like a disaster at this point....the "foobs" seem to be way too far apart and the right side is not "filling in" in the middle...it just looks like I have a big hole under my skin. When I ask her about these things she said we will just have to give it more time and see how it turns out...I guess a lot of how it looks depends on the scar tissue and it is my scar tissue in the middle of my chest that is kind of making things look so bad. She will try to go in and remove that scar tissue when she puts in the final implants but there is really no guarantee that this area will fill in....I guess the lesson learned here is that with "reconstruction" you can always get bigger boobs than what you had but there are no guarantees that they are necessarily going to look "better".

Well, I think that's enough for now...I feel like I can't spell or get my grammer right tonight.

One more story...my flight home on Sunday had 2 male flight attendants and 1 female...I ordered a "girlie" drink when they came by and the older male flight attendant started to prepare it and we were joking around....the remainder of the flight was completely uneventful and quiet. When they announced that we were making our final descent into Cinci I looked down the aisle and I saw that same flight attendant carrying a plate from first class with a huge piece of chocolate cake on it. He walked up to me and simply said "I hope you enjoy this". The cake was absolutely yummy so I ate and cried at the same time....why did he do that? Did his mother/wife/sister/daughter have cancer?? The older couple next to me asked how he knew that I liked chocolate and I said he didn't....I told them that I thought it was just a random act of kindness....he recognized the "bad hair" and my "Save the Ta-Ta's" t-shirt made it even more obvious. Kind of funny timing because before I boarded that flight I purchased a book entitled "the power of kindness...the unexpected benefits of leading a compassionate life"....

Signing off for now...